


I Sing the Sun in Flight

by Eravalefantasy



Series: Nothing Like the Sun [2]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Explicit Language, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loss of Limbs, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Trespasser
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-05-30 06:06:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 36,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6412042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eravalefantasy/pseuds/Eravalefantasy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen's diary holds the truth about the Inquisitor after the events of the Exalted Council</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All Souls Day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [InannaAthanasia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/InannaAthanasia/gifts).



9:46 Dragon 1/Matrinalis 

_It’s called an epiphany when one comes to a certain level of understanding and possible revelations after careful examinations of a situation or problem._

_Doesn’t really matter the exact definition of the word._

_It’s the little things you notice first. It’s easy to dismiss most, not meeting your eyes in conversation, not returning a smile as simply bad timing or a difficult day._

_It’s when the same reactions continue for days, with no change in mood. Questions of well-being are met with short or curt “I’m fine” responses followed up with periods of silence that stretch for hours. Not wanting to add to the tension, you let it go and retreat further into whatever shell you’ve built._

_Those outside your little encapsulated world offer all kinds of advice, most of it heartfelt and eager to be the right answer. The scary thing - the answer simmering is one you do not wish to face._

_Then there are those who see it as self-indulgence, the filthy need to create a false dramatic pretense. If it were, you’d think of something better. ~~something less painful.~~_

_The signs are there, you make excuses everything will be as it should. The first time she pulls away from you, shock on your face, the hurried apology of being startled or tired is accepted. It could not be any more than what she claims._

_A strange stillness settles within, accompanied by the almost constant feeling of tears just gathering beneath the surface, never quite pushing through. The fear grows. Uncertainties invade the silences in your mind._

_The distance between you grows even in close quarters. Where once that closeness would prompt a touch, caress or a smile, you are sure she moved further away. So you do as well, turning away and letting your fear of rejection and perceived loneliness choke you._

_It’s not until the words are spoken that you have continued to believe you misread the signs._

  _“I can’t do this.” She tells you._

_You don’t want to have this conversation, but it comes. “What can’t you do?”_

_“This. I can’t give you what you want. You’re much stronger than me, you’ll be fine.” Her sigh takes you_ _r breath along with it as it leaves her._

_Anger takes over, not sadness. “What changed?”_

_“Nothing changed. It’s just too much.” She returns to staring out the window and does not speak again._

 Cullen drops the quill on the journal page without a glance from her. She cradles the sling he fashioned unaware of his presence.

 He believes he is stronger than this fear, this sadness. They fought the darkness and the demons together years ago and prevailed. Alone Cullen swears he will fight the darkness, his sword and shield long tarnished by neglect and despair; he will try again to open her eyes to the love they once shared before she is forever lost to the memories that consume her.


	2. 18 Cloudreach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year has passed in the place Cullen has called their home. The anniversary is not to be celebrated

 

18 Cloudreach

 

Anniversaries are meant to invoke joy of remembrance. One year ago we arrived here, but that was a different time and she is a different person. When you’ve chosen to walk with another you accept the sun will not shine as bright every day and yet the day I’d planned shattered around me.

_“You should’ve  let me die.” She was so sure, the strength of her conviction stole my ability to speak._

_“W-w-what? No. Why? Why would you say such a thing?”_

_She ripped the sling off and held her arm up to me. “This! I can’t do anything. I’m not even whole anymore.”_

_“You can, you are and when you want to do more, you will succeed, love.”_

_“Don’t call me that. Please. I can’t.”_

Most days she thinks I cannot hear her sobs, she has learned to do so quietly. Anything louder and I hurry to her side.  The past few weeks, my concern only angers her, until the sun hides its face and takes her pain and anguish.

In the anonymity of night, she seeks my arms, begs for my warmth and allows me to hold her. She will not let go until the sun illuminates her body.

I would leave to find him, not for her but for me. He took her joy. I care not what he claims to be and so I wait and when the time comes to join the hunt, I will not fail her.


	3. 7 Bloomingtide

 

7 Bloomingtide

How far does one stretch their heart, their soul before it breaks? She is a shell, and I am left to be her lungs and force to her breathe in and out until I am sure she will not stop to spite me.

_“You should go, Cullen. Leave me.” Her voice is but a fraction of the strength she once had. But the weakness now is not illness, not frailty. Her will is gone._

_I no longer play her games of pleading my case for love and our promises to one another. “Yes, I know I should, but I am still here. Forgive me if my stubbornness upsets you.”_

_These are the conversations we share every day. I miss her smile, but she abandoned it some time ago. I no longer write to Alistair and Elissa, their joy leaps from every word and mocks me._

_I cannot say what choices rest before me. If it is the will of Maker then I will have to defy him and remain at her side._

_I will not abide this any longer._

Cullen closed his journal and squeezed his fist, fingernails biting into his palm to push the tears back. “Stop this,” he admonished himself and pushed angrily away from the table. He gathered a pack with food, coins and potions and then slammed the door open.

Cullen stalked to her chair. “Stand up, please.”

She waved him off. “I’m not in the mood for a lecture, Cullen.”

He stomped around to the side of the house and returned with the pack around his shoulder and carried a spade and a shovel. “Follow me, please.”

She stood and backed away from him. “What? Cullen what are you doing?” Fear gripped her voice.

“Honoring your wish, but you will dig – not me.” Cullen grabbed the spade and shovel. “Follow me, please.”

Her body numbed at his offer. “Cullen. . .wait. I don’t understand.”

He dropped the shovel and broke up the ground. “It’s simple. You wish to leave me. You can either take this pack and go or you can dig the hole yourself and I shall take the pack and leave you to it. Choose.”

“Cullen?” Her lip quivered, and he fought the urge to break his conviction.

“I won’t be a party to this. If death is what you wish, dig the hole and I will leave. If freedom from me is what you wish, take the pack and Maker watch over your path.” Cullen continued to break the ground beneath his feet.

The setting sun cast long shadows on him adding to her confusion - the scene so surreal she could not speak. When he finished, he picked up the shovel and stabbed the earth.

“I will return at full dark and I expect a decision.” His words cut through her. “Goodbye, wife.” Cullen did not wash in the basin, she watched in shock as he led his horse from the barn and bolted out on the road.

She stumbled over her grief and fell to the ground. “Cullen?” She tried to call after him but the trail of dirt and dust his horse kicked into the air told her he could not hear her plea for help.

 


	4. 8 Bloomingtide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen is gone and Valerie's memories plague her troubled sleep.

 

 

_“Kill me! Maker take you, fuck the surgeon there’s nothing there! My arm . . .disintegrating!” Valerie screamed and cried out as she writhed in excruciating pain._

_Cullen pushed forward. “Use your magic! Help her!” He knocked the others out of the way to grab her. “Val, hold on. Please hold on.” Tears pooled, but he fought back with his anger. “Damn your eyes and do something! At least numb the pain.” Cullen pleaded with Dorian and Vivienne to help._

_Vivienne spoke softly. “My dear, there’s nothing we can do; I promise you she will live.”_

_Valerie pulled at Cullen’s uniform. “Not like this, let me go. Cullen please.“  Her screams of pain cut short her plea to him._

Her arm burned tearing her from sleep. She opened her eyes confused as to her surroundings. _I was in the Winter Palace and Cullen was still with me. He’s gone now,_ she thought _._

“You were having a nightmare.” Sitting in a chair against the wall of the bedroom Cullen sat head bowed.

“I thought you left me,” her voice cracked as she spoke. “Are . . .are you leaving me?”

“Valerie. You left me months ago. I was far too stubborn to realize it then.” Cullen pushed himself to stand and sat on the foot of the bed. “While I am relieved you decided to live, I arranged for someone from the village to help you. I will leave when they arrive in two days.”

“Cullen, wait, please. Don’t go.“

Cullen cut through the air with his hand and arm outstretched. “Enough. You haven’t even tried. Not even for a moment, Valerie. You shut me out the moment you could and never looked back. Everyone else sees ‘brave little Valerie’ and I get this venomous snake who lashes out at every turn.”

Valerie swiveled in the bed and stood. “Cullen, I lost my FUCKING ARM!”

He hurried to her inches from her face. “You lived. That’s what mattered. Together we could have learned how to help one another, but you shut me out.”

“It’s not the same thing, you have no basis for comparison.” Valerie chided him and turned away.

 “No comparison? You cannot be serious. I may not know what you went through, what you feel. But I know one thing; if you refer to the loss of one thing that is a part of you that brings you joy and is suddenly ripped from you? I _know_ this pain.  If you want a basis for comparison, _my love_ , I lost you.”

She wheeled around to face him. “This isn’t about you, Cullen. Not everything is about you.”

He dropped into the chair and sighed. “You’re right. We could have worked together, but you decided you weren’t whole and gave up – you were the stronger of the two of us.”

“Not whole? NOT WHOLE?” She screamed and grabbed his tunic and shook it. “What do you understand? I was a warrior, Cullen. A defender. Now? I’m not even a woman. I’m just that _thing_ to be pitied.”

“No one has ever treated you as a thing, Valerie.” Cullen looked into her face. “I never treated you as less of a woman.” He stood and walked away from her stopping in the door. “I loved you.” He left the room. She listened as heavy feet trudged down the stairs as though they did not wish to carry him away. She flinched as the front door slammed.

Valerie listened for the sound of his horse. When she heard nothing she hoped Cullen would stay the night.

 _I loved you. Loved. Past_. “I can’t fix this.” She spoke to the empty room before following his path down the stairs. Reaching the front door, she heard the rhythmic beat of Cullen splitting logs. It began with a dull thump of the wood on the chopping trunk, followed by a swift swish of the axe blade slicing through the air and the crack when metal met wood.  Cullen always cut clean through each piece, and she loved the strange symphony the simple act played for her.

He glanced at her but did not stop, there was a time when her staring would have raised a flush to his skin. He ignored her and continued.

She circled around to face him. “Is there no way? Have I . . . are you leaving me?”

Cullen stared at her, his breathing fast from the exertion. “Valerie, I’m not the help, I’m your husband, or I was. But now?” He stacked the wood and left to put the axe away in the barn.

Valerie did not move as he returned. “Do you need help to return to bed?” He asked before leading her back to the house. “Rest well. After I wash up, I’ll follow you.”

Valerie sat in the kitchen and waited. She heard him draw water for the basin in the side room. The house never seemed empty to her until now. She would lose him in two days. “Unless . . .I don’t even know where to start.” 

Cullen froze when he entered the kitchen to see her waiting for him. “You should sleep, Valerie.”

She crossed to the stairs and waited for him. “Aren’t you coming?”

“No, Valerie.” He checked the front door and the side bar before facing her again. “I’ve been sleeping in the guest room for months.”

“M-m-m-months – that’s not possible. Cullen why haven’t you said anything?”  Valerie felt the loss of him as though she was waking for the first time to a very different home.

“You stopped listening, Valerie.” He crossed the kitchen to guest room. “Good night, Valerie.”

Her breath caught at the unmistakable sound of the latch sliding into place separating them until morning.


	5. 8 Bloomingtide Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie's sudden awareness has left her alone and separated from Cullen by a locked door and a torrent of emotions.

 

 

Valerie stood frozen outside the guest room door. She tried to move her right arm but the simple act of raising it seemed foreign to her and it shook as she tried to move. This was fear. She’d never truly experienced it. It was fear that strangled her now. Valerie’s sight blurred; her eyes could not hold back the pain of his loss.

She reeled on her feet as memories and images of the past assaulted her senses.

_“Marry me” . . . Cullen’s smile warmed her. His joy grabbed his smile and eyes and he gave it right back to her. My husband._

_“I am sorry, my friend, we are out of time.” She held back the fury building behind her eyes. How the fuck do I battle a god, not Corypheus, a real god? Solas claims to be my friend._

_“Solas, wait! Let me try, please! Let me show you a world worth saving!” He’s leaving! “Solas. . .my friend -  please!”_

_“Let me die, Cullen. If you love me, let me go.” His tears fall on my face. He’ll be better without me. I love you, Cullen._

 She gulped for air. Something wasn’t right – she couldn’t breathe. The room spun and her balance failed as she teetered off balance into the door. 

A dull thud against the door pulled Cullen’s attention and roused him from the bed.

Valerie tried to cry out but her voice was crushed by the crippling stabs through her chest.

He raised his head as her strangled cry sent him crashing towards the door. Cullen fumbled with the latch desperation overtaking his coordination. “No, no, no. Val!” Cullen cried out to her through the locked door. He pulled on the door before the latch slid completely out of the catch. His hands shook and thoughts ran away while he tried again to unlatch the door.  _Precious time, I’m losing her. Maker, no._ “Breathe, Val! Breathe!” He yanked the door open to find her slumped against the door frame. Cullen turned her gently and placed his hand on her chest. He sighed in a moment of relief. “She breathes.”

Cullen sank to the floor and held her head in his lap, stroking her hair. “Valerie, listen to my voice and breathe. You’re safe. Valerie, listen to my voice and breathe.“  His hand rested atop her chest, the pounding of her heart and the fainting spell told him she’d panicked.  Cullen’s heart raced. He needed to calm himself to help her. He inhaled slow and deep fighting the thunder of his heart as it raced. Cullen held his breath and exhaled willing his body to slow. Within minutes his body returned to its restful state but his mind did not comply. _She lives. Maker, how do I leave her?_  

A long sigh escaped her lips and her neck and shoulders untangled from the jumble he held minutes before.

 _You are a fool_ , he thought, _you will stay. Just like Cassandra predicted._

_Cassandra arrived unannounced. She traveled as herself, not as Divine Victoria. The plan was simple in her mind. All that was required was to wake Valerie from her stupor and return. Cassandra found a different person when she arrived._

_“Cullen, she does not speak? She stares into space. How long has this been so?” Cassandra’s past with Valerie had seen them through much of their training and their friendship rekindled and strengthened through the Inquisition. “That woman is not Valerie.”_

_Cullen stared at Valerie through the window. “What would you have me do?” Cullen cringed. “Forgive me, Most Holy. I did not mean to offend.”_

_“Relax Cullen, I’m just me.” Cassandra dropped her gloves on the table. “When Leliana discovers I left, she’ll no doubt send several dozen of her finest after me.” She rolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair._

_Cullen tried not to smile, but Cassandra’s apparent disgust at her new appointment reminded him of his fondness for the Seeker. “The gilded cage troubles you?”_

_She scoffed. “Funny Cullen, I forgot how much I enjoy your dry wit.” She leaned in, her elbows rested on her knees. “You are wasted here and for what? Love? This is not the Cullen I know. Find a nanny. Come help me rebuild the Chantry as it should be.”_

_His brow wrinkled at her dismissal of Valerie. “You would have me leave her?”_

_“Listen to me carefully, that shell is not Valerie. You must help her find a way back or let her go or you will never leave here.” Cassandra stood. “You may think I am overly harsh, but I cannot sit and watch two lives waste away.”_

Valerie’s eyes fluttered open, but Cullen saw she was not aware. “Val, I will help you up and to the bed.”

She nodded, still dazed. “You called me Val,” she said.

“Yes, Valerie. You’re safe.” Cullen lifted her and helped her to the bed in the guest room. He didn’t dare leave her alone.

She fell onto the bed. Cullen guided her head to the pillow and sat with her until her breathing slowed.  He’d need to rethink his plan. She’d nearly injured herself.  Cullen rubbed his face and tried to shake the feeling Cassandra was right.

He pulled a chair next to the bed and sat vigil over her until he fell asleep.

The sun rose without sympathy and it was Valerie who heard the call of the morning first. Her head was muddled and sore. Her fingers tentatively searched the source of pain and found a rough scrape. Cullen slept stretched out awkwardly in a chair next to her. _Had he slept there all night?_   Her thoughts still jumbled slowly revealed the events of the late night. Her panic, the pain, she fell against the door. Cullen must have helped her. _He called me Val, not Valerie._  

She rolled to the opposite side and stood gingerly, her clarity of thought returned. She took a long look at Cullen and realized she could not help him to bed without waking him which would move him to action. Valerie crept outside the room and pulled the door closed to allow him time to rest.

“I can do this. Light the hearth, boil water and make tea, right?” She inhaled and tried to force herself to move. “First, a letter.”

Valerie opened the desk drawer in the kitchen to pull out a small rectangle of parchment, ink and a quill. She addressed it to the one person she hoped might help her fix the mess she created. Three words were all she would need. Three words promised to her years ago if she ever asked her request would be answered. Valerie would find a way to care for herself and in doing so give Cullen his freedom. Valerie ignored her tears as she headed to the barn to find Cullen’s bird and send her message.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all who have read and commented. Your insights, comments, suggestions are welcome.


	6. 10 Bloomingtide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen wakes before Valerie on the day he is to leave.

10 Bloomingtide

_Two days. I’d given myself two days to say goodbye and leave her after a year of emotions so deep I felt them stronger than any memory of my past. The anger of my survival so many times before overshadowed by the eclipse of all that I am to become her lifeline.  I struggled to find reasons to remain, reasons beyond the obvious because I wanted –I want to stay._

_The curse of a logical mind is the separation of all emotion in one’s decision. Is it not my life to waste if I choose? I would happily leave my feelings in the past and simply be the one who helps her. I have come to realize our time together has weakened the part of me once capable of dismissing how I feel.  In another life, this would be a triumph. I do not want to feel the anger, the sorrow. They choke me. She is not to blame. The emotions are my own._

_Chauncey is gone - I discovered his perch empty yesterday, I can only assume she sent a message to Leliana. I planned to tell Cassandra I would need more time. Instead, I know I will not leave here. I will wait for the bird to return and send my regrets._

_Val. My Val is lost in grief. She dreamed. I know this because her screams woke me. Her screams. There are no words to capture the sound of her agony. It burns, it pierces and I am helpless to protect her from the terrors in her own mind._

_Through her sobs and shaking I learned daydreams and sleep became her sanctuary.  She lived in those fantasies. She was Val in that reverie of life inside the Fade and this nightmare vision took it all from her. For the first time in her dreams her arm was gone._

_She sleeps now, tears and sorrow returned her to her rest and I pray the Maker grant her peace in her slumber._

Cullen shoved his journal into a drawer and rubbed his face. An image flashed in his head and he hurried to the locked armoire. Cullen held the key for Valerie’s safety, but the object he sought was not a weapon, but perhaps a path to recovery.    He found it wrapped in a cloth and secured the cabinet once again.

Cullen turned the object over in his hands and sat down at the table, unsure what he needed to do. “I don’t suppose the mage included instructions.”

The center of the crystal glowed faintly at first. Cullen watched as a light slowly grew until the crystal was consumed with light. The voice did not sound real until the words became clearer.

“It’s about bloody time Cullen but do us a favor and next time wait for a decent hour? Where in the Void have you been - but more importantly, how can I help?” Dorian’s voice came through the crystal.

“Apologies for the hour, did Valerie contact you?” Cullen hoped she’d reached out to someone who might be in a position to help. A significant pause worried Cullen the artifact might have failed.  

Dorian coughed. “Sadly, no. Cullen, I have many researching possible magic but I am afraid that we have been unsuccessful.”

“Thank you for trying, Dorian, your friendship - has meant so much.” Cullen tried to mask his disappointment. Dorian and others promised to search for possible magical solutions to Valerie’s loss. The thought that even magic could not help discouraged him even more.

“Tell me Cullen, are _you_ . . .all right?” Dorian’s concern was not lost on Cullen.

He hoped the involuntary sigh that escaped his lips was not heard by Dorian. “The proper answer is I am well enough.” Cullen could hear movement and the bed strain as Valerie woke. “She wakes, Dorian.  Thank you, thank you for everything.”

The crystal glowed stronger than before. “Courage, my friend. Do not lose all hope. Both of you mean . . . a great deal. Take care of her and yourself.”

Cullen watched as the glow diminished until the crystal showed no residual life.  He pocketed the crystal as Valerie emerged.

She did not meet his eyes; another sign she was not herself. “You called me Val.”

Cullen had tried to separate his love from the woman who stood before him. He called her by her full name instead of the endearment she’d asked him to use so many years ago. Any affection or endearments had angered her whenever he used them.  “I know and I apologize if it disturbed you.”

She met his eyes. “No, please. I . . .I’d like it if you’d call me Val.”

A hint of a smile renewed his hopes for her. "I'd like that," A familiar warmth bloomed in his face. 


	7. 18 Bloomingtide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen must search within for strength as Valerie's struggles continue.

 

18 Bloomingtide.

_The longer I navigate through the darkness that claims her the more I understand the loneliness of a shadow. I am painfully aware of her, but she cannot hear me speak, she does not feel me and yet I follow her throughout the day unable to make my presence known._

_This other wife is repulsed by me, by any remembrance of happier times. I have removed all the gifts and trinkets we collected together.  The coin I gave to her and the lake stones I protect in the locked armoire. I will keep those memories safe from her anger, safe from destruction._

_Magic will not cure her. I must face once again that no matter how deep my feelings run, she continues to slip further away from me._

_She changes without warning. We sit, her hand in mine letting the sun hold us in it warmth until her hand slackens, and she turns from me. I know the dark clouds that cross her face and steal her smile. I must leave her to her thoughts. To stay, each word - each breath is a step on a rotting floor threatening to give way from the slightest movement._

_I miss Val.  I miss the curve of her back against my hand -the soft sighs of delight as she falls asleep. What I miss most is her voice, long discussions of substance or of nonsense, the reminiscence of youth, the folly of experience – we used to talk for hours upon hours, each reminding the other of sleep and responsibility but neither wishing for the last word._

 

A crash and a scream of frustration ended Cullen’s private time. Cups and mugs litter the floor. An upended teapot spill. “What happened?” Cullen asked moving about the kitchen to pick up the items strewn around the room.

She waves her left arm in the sling. “This, Cullen, what do you think the problem is – it’s always this!”

“Valerie, ask for help. There is nothing wrong with-“

“I am sick of hearing your calm and logical approach to everything, Cullen! I am _angry_. At my arm, at Solas, at everyone who left me here to carry on with life alone and I am angry at you!” Valerie’s words meant to hurt him, but he did not react.

He moved silently cleaning up the surrounding mess.

 “Answer me! Tell me Cullen, is there anything left of you inside or are your content to be my wet nurse!” Spittle flies from her fury and she seethes at his silence.

 “Stop,” her soft-spoken command was heard but ignored. “Cullen, I said stop. What is the matter with you?”

He ignored her and cleaned the spill. Cullen continued his motions and gathered the teapot and the water jug and left without a word to draw water.

Dusk crept slowly in the Marches, Cullen enjoyed living at this homestead. The elder Lady Trevelyan offered for them to stay in the family home, but he preferred to work the land on this farm. He’d taken over much of the responsibilities for the Trevelyan family holdings with the death of the Bann a year prior.

Placing the items on the bench near the well, he gripped the stone side and exhaled. _She challenges me to meet her anger and I know I must not give in._

 


	8. 23 Bloomingtide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A momentary reprieve and Val's plea for help is answered.

23 Bloomingtide

_Val returned today. These moments seem to move quickly from my memory. It is easier to admit the fault is mine than to face that perhaps these precious events are fewer than the other._

_When her arm slid around my waist, she startled me. It was her laugh, confident and strong that forced me to turn and face her. At first I wondered if I dreamed. She stepped closer and laid her head against me._

_We have touched in ways unexplainable in simple words. The ecstasy of our skin and the shared bliss of feelings between us._

_Her touch was foreign, almost wrong to me until she sighed. How the simplest of sounds we make from birth could convey so much in an instant will forever be a mystery. Today, it was my undoing._

She felt the hitch in his breath and the mild shudder in his chest. “Cullen, are you crying?”

“Give me a moment,” Cullen whispered and inhaled deeply to stop the flow of emotion.

Valerie’s shoulders dropped along with her voice.  “I’m sorry, I’ll go.” She tried to pull away, but he recovered quickly and wrapped her in his arms.

“The fault is mine, Val.” Cullen did not press his point, he waited for her reaction. When she did not speak, he feared he’d lost the moment with her. “Val, you are . . .”

“I miss you, Cullen,” she says weakly. He knows she will continue to pull away unless he acts.

He shifts on his feet, gliding in slight movements with her in his arms; they move in awkward dance of gentle affection.  “I’m here Val.”

She rubs her head on his chest and inhales deeply. “You still use that soap. I love that scent. A moss-covered forest in summer, a light breeze moving through a sunlit space.”

“I never stopped, I remembered how you enjoy the scent.” Cullen’s voice never reached above a whisper, so concerned the wrong word, the wrong tone would take her away.

“I ruined everything. Our time together. This was to be our time, and I ruined it.” Her voice lost its warmth and in an instant she slipped away.

Cullen tried to tilt her face towards his and meet her eyes but she would not look at him. He kissed her lips, but found no recognition in her face. She was gone.

“I should sleep,” she said, her voice a hazy memory of her earlier self and she turned from him.

“Val, don’t go. Can’t you see I love you?” Cullen reached out unthinking and gripped her left arm.

She gently pushed his hand away and rubbed near her shoulder. “I don’t know how you can love me. I’m broken, Cullen.” Without another word she sluggishly ambled up the stairs alone.

He ran his fingers through his unkempt hair, far too long and ends curled much like they were when he was so young. “I can’t do this. I don’t know how to help her.” He tripped on a chair and stumbled forward.

Cullen’s anger and sorrow met in an outpouring of emotions. The chair would bear the pain of his heart and head. Lifting the chair above his head he smashed it atop the long table again and again oblivious to the splinters of wood slicing into his palms, fingers and face. Tears mixed with wood pulp and seething anger as one chair after another met his wrath. 

A thunderous pounding on the front door broke his trance and shock caused him to stumble backwards at the carnage he’d delivered inside. Mouth agape at what he’d done he opened the door without asking who called.

The Iron Bull stood in his doorway. “Shit, Cullen. By your face you didn't know I was coming, Val must have sent the message. What the fuck happened in here?”

He surveyed the room again, smashed chairs littered the floor, wood shards and a thin veil of wood dust hovered in the air. “I can’t Bull. I can’t. I’m sorry, it’s too much.” His chest heaved, and he coughed from the lingering mess.

“She asked for help, Cullen. I’m here. Let me get this cleaned up while you. . .” Bull pointed to his face. “Get all those splinters and wood dust off your face and hands. I’ve got this.”

Bull’s calm approach to the chaos brought Cullen back to his own balance. Cullen slowly moved to the side room to wash. Bull called after him, “I need a place to sleep, if you have room. I saw a barn out back, I’m good there if that's all right.”

Cullen nodded silently, thanking the Maker for a friend.

 


	9. 24 Bloomingtide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bull's arrival renews old concerns for Cullen.

 

24 Bloomingtide

 

_A lifetime of control and reserve explodes in shards of pain. I know I should not feel ashamed, perhaps I have pushed aside my feelings to protect her and there lies the crux of this situation: I have forgotten to live my life while living hers instead. There are no excuses, no rationalizations to explain my behavior._

_Bull’s arrival, while concerning, is welcome.  I do not understand why my wife would ask for his help and not mine. Have I not helped her, cared for her and been the target of her wrath? Where have I failed where he will not? I did not rest well for concern of the damage I may have caused her. My hope is Bull can help Valerie find her way home to me._

_I will confess a renewed jealousy towards him, in spite of his assurances to the contrary.  If she responds to him and dismisses me, what then? Do I push aside my hopes ~~for her~~ for us and allow another to take my place?  I cannot help wondering if the events now in motion are meant to test me, but to what end?_

A knock on the guest room door pulled Cullen’s attention.  “Come!” He barked without thinking of the person on the other side of the door.

Bull stood in the doorway shaking his head and laughed. “Old habits, right?”

He shook his rude greeting away and swiveled to face his house guest. “Forgive me, I’ve been-“

Bull smiled and answered for him, “On edge? Don’t worry about it. Are you ready to go? I don’t want you here when the Boss wakes up.”

“If she wakes up,” Cullen snapped without thinking. He closed his eyes and sighed, “That was unkind.”

Bull listened to the sounds in the house and satisfied he would not be overheard he stepped inside the room.  “Cullen, Cassandra and Dorian asked me to help – that’s official version. But the real reason is because Valerie reached out to me. My debt to her will never be repaid. Whenever she asks, whatever the reason I’ll come.”

Bull’s loyalty to Valerie was not a surprise to Cullen. She’d sacrificed a valuable agreement with the Ben-Hassrath to save Bull’s Chargers, and with that act, earned Bull’s enduring loyalty.

“After that little scuffle last night, it’s you who needs this more. So finish packing and get the fuck out,” he smiled.

Cullen stared for a moment and then nodded once. “Please . . .I don’t know what to ask.”

“All right, here’s the plan. You can thank Dorian and Cassandra or whatever she’s calling herself, for this.”

The idea others had intervened disturbed Cullen. “I don’t . . . what is this plan?” He tried to keep the rising anger at Cassandra’s interference with Valerie and Dorian’s presumption that he could not help her under control; Bull was not to blame.

 “The plan is to help her find who she is now. But you need to understand something, Cullen. Valerie will never be who she was. I can train her, push her and help her see the person she can be, but if you want the old Val back, don’t bother coming back, it’s not going to happen.”

Cullen grabbed his pack and bag. “Bull, if you can find a way to help her live again,” resignation filled his voice, “I would gladly step aside.”

Bull grumbled. “I will ignore that last bit. There’s something you don’t get, and it’s not my place to tell you. I’m trying to help – _both_ of you.” Bull backed out of the room and held the door. “Cassandra expects you, so go. Her ship waits; the location is marked on your map. Take care of yourself Cullen.”

Cullen turned back to speak but Bull held up his hand. “You need to go," Bull was kind but his firm voice and gesture towards the door made it clear. Cullen would need to leave.

He looked towards the staircase and his thoughts lingered on the rooms upstairs, where Valerie slept unaware of his departure. He wanted to tell her so much, but if this was goodbye, silently leaving their home was far less painful.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments, insights and suggestions are always welcome.


	10. 24 Bloomingtide- Valerie

24 Bloomingtide

 

Valerie had not heard Cullen’s outburst or Bull’s arrival during the night.

 “He didn’t come to bed.” she said aloud.  Valerie couldn’t see a way out of the problems before her. Cullen did not understand her constant pain; her non-existent hand would flare and burn as though the Anchor still lived in her. His desire to be helpful only made it worse. Her right arm was strong, but his need to help and do things for her weakened her desire to try; and the distance between them grew wider with each day.

 _You aren’t being truthful_ , she admonished herself, _Cullen tried to teach you and you fought until he gave up trying._ She turned and faced the window allowing the memory to soothe her.

_“I can’t do it, Cullen,” she argued, “it’s too hard.” Valerie put the empty bucket down._

_He smiled. “Val, you can lift a broadsword in your right arm. If I remember right when we came here you insisted on keeping than immense Avaar hammer you looted and put it in the barn yourself. So let’s try this again.” The slight pout on his face coaxed a laugh from her._

_“Fine – explain it to me again.” She paused and looked away from him and dropped her voice to a whisper. “I wasn’t quite paying attention.”_

_He tilted his head slightly and tried to meet her eyes. “I didn’t quite get that, Val.”_

_She stomped over to the bucket and picked it up. “Never you mind, please explain this again.”_

_The smirk she loved to hate crept onto to his face and then quickly disappeared. “Explain it again? Perhaps you’ll pay attention this time, Val,” he teased._

_“Keep it up Cullen and I’ll dump the bucket of water on you,” she warned, “don’t think that I won’t.”_

_He motioned for her to join him at the well. She stood in front of him and waited._

_“Get the water first, love,” he teased again prompting a light elbow to his stomach. He let out a small grunt and gave her quick peck on her cheek. “Water first, fun later.”_

_Cullen showed her again how to secure the bucket to the rope and hook. She could secure the bucket on the first try to sent it down into the water.  He showed her how the crank worked. When the latch was engaged it would only pull upwards and not slide back. Val tried the crank and found it far simpler than she’d first thought._

_“I feel so stupid, Cullen. I can do this,” she sighed and turned around to face him._

_“You are not stupid and you can do so much more,” he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear._

_She smiled and nodded. Turning back to the well she unclamped the filled bucket and placed it on the small stool near her._

_Cullen turned away to grab the pitcher for her. “Val, you can fill the pitcher from the bucket before taking it inside.” As he turned around to face her, frigid water cascaded down his head and neck and soaked his shirt. He shrieked from the shock._

_Val laughed and dropped the ladle backing away towards the house. “I warned you Cullen, so all’s fair,” she continued to laugh and back up her right hand stretched out to block him._

_He advanced slowly, still dripping wet from her little prank.  Valerie tried to turn and run inside but Cullen hoisted her over his shoulder._

Valerie smiled into her pillow. _I miss those days_ , she thought, _maybe it’s not too late_.  She dressed in one of his tunics and bounded down the stairs to look for Cullen only to find Bull waiting at the table.

Bull frowned as Valerie’s bare legs and an over-sized tunic came into view. His stern expression unsettled her. “No -just, no. Go back and dress more appropriately. I’ll wait.”

She moved up the stairs and dressed quickly. Returning to the kitchen Valerie wondered what happened to the kitchen chairs , but dismissed the thought  when  Bull caught her attention and offered Cullen’s desk chair to her.

“Sit, Val, time to go over the rules.” Bull wasn’t himself; she eyed him cautiously and sat down.

She swallowed and stared straight ahead. “Rules?” a nervous laugh escaped her,  ”why do we need rules? Where’s Cullen?”

Bull stood above her. She never realized how imposing he could be. They’d always faced each other as friends and comrades. This was different, and it disturbed her.

“You will be up at sunrise dressed and ready to work. You will bathe, dress and care for yourself. Are we clear?” Bull crossed his arms and stared down at her.

“Yes, so is this reeducation?” Valerie had once asked him about reeducation when they were still in Haven. 

He released his arms and bent slightly towards her. “No. I’m not going to change you Val. Time for you to find out who you want to be.”

She stood and tried to pull the old authority she once wielded to the surface. “I asked you a question, Bull, where is Cullen?”

Bull turned away and walked towards the front door picking up a heavy sack. “I threw him out. End of discussion. Let’s go.”

Valerie froze. Cullen was gone and Bull threw him out. Fear of being alone quickly intensified into anger. “You did what! Bull, you get him back here!”

He wheeled around and faced her nose to nose. “No. Leave him out of it, let him go or fight to bring him back. If you want him with you and by that look on your face, you do – fucking prove it.” Bull opened the door and barked over his shoulder. “Move it!”

**Waking Sea – the Sacred Path**

I hate sea travel. I will be confined five days on this vessel until we reach the docks near Val Royeaux.  Cassandra’s letter is clear enough, while Bull works with Valerie, I am to help her in a plan for the Order and the Seekers. Although Cassandra’s trust in me is not entirely surprising; Valerie is far better suited to serve. I admit such detailed focus has its appeal and will be a welcome respite from the past. Perhaps Bull was right and this time away with help both of us find our way.  


	11. 28 Bloomingtide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bull works with Valerie to find her way.

 

28 Bloomingtide

Val doubled over and tried to catch her breath. “It’s too much,” she wheezed and dropped the practice staff, “I need to rest.”

Bull grumbled. “Fine. You’ve got five minutes.” Valerie was improving, half the battle over the previous days had been to convince her to pick up a weapon.

_Bull dropped the heavy sack on the ground. “Lady’s choice.” He grinned and emptied the bag._

_“Children’s toys, Bull?” Valerie looked over the pile of weapons he spilled out onto the dirt. The staves were half their normal size, the axe was a short axe with a long blade and a hook at the tip. Curved daggers, short swords and even a crossbow littered her front yard. “What’s all this?”_

_Bull picked up the axe and swung it through the air. Valerie missed her sword and shield, but after the incident in Orlais, they’d been packed away. “Lesson one. These are all lighter than you’re used to wielding, but you can still cause serious damage – if you learn how to wield each of them.”_

_“I’m not allowed to play with sharp objects, or didn’t they tell you?” Bull knew. They all did. Losing the Anchor, her arm, the end of the Inquisition and her confrontation with Solas sent Valerie into a darkness Cullen feared she might not return. Reluctantly, he’d removed all of her weapons and locked them away._

_“Cut the crap Val and pick up a fucking weapon.” Bull couldn’t go easy on Valerie, she’d ignore him and slip further away._

_“What is so difficult to understand, Bull? Maybe you’ve been knocking back too much Maraas-Lok?”  She moved inches from him. “I can’t be trusted and I can’t fight.”_

_He stared back, jaw taut. “Don’t Valerie. You’ll lose,” he warned, “you sent the message, you asked for me.”_

“Time’s up Val.” Bull rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck.

Valerie inhaled and muttered to herself. “I can do this. I can do this.”

Bull nodded in agreement. “No one believes any different. Hit me.” She advanced swiveling her body leading with her right arm. “That’s it Val, come on – hit me!”

She gripped the short sword and slashed up from her left and back from the right staggering Bull back a step. She dropped her arm and shook her head. “There’s too much pain, Bull. I have to stop.” She panted through the pain. “I need more time.”

He stepped out of his fight stance and nodded in agreement. “Nice work today, Boss.” Bull watched a slight smile in response to his praise. “I can see Cullen’s influence on your sword work, that left slash followed by the right swipe,” he said.

At the mention of Cullen’s name, her smile dissolved. “Did you really send him away or did he leave on his own?”

 _Shit_ , he thought, _Cassandra was wrong. This will not be easy._

**The Sacred Path**

The ship will arrive in Val Royeaux by nightfall. I have neglected my thoughts since the ship departed because I could not admit the relief I have felt in the absence of her. If the Divine has need of my help, I will do whatever is asked of me.

To my love, I pray you find peace in the knowing you are and will always be in my heart.

 

 


	12. 29 Bloomingtide - Valerie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bull continues his work with Valerie and in doing so awakens her memories.

 

29 Bloomingtide – Valerie

Valerie woke before the sun, her body rebelled against its use the previous day. Muscles spoke in twisting words of pain hopeful for a rest.

She reminded herself of their daily routine. _Bull will bellow if I am not dressed by the time the sun rises._

Her mind has chased the same thought for days and in the quiet hours she thought about Cullen.  _Why can I work with Bull but would not with Cullen? What changed? Cullen was patient, even when I failed he did not judge me._

Cullen never pushed her to help him. Working the farm and household chores were silent responsibilities he enjoyed. She’d watch or help with simple tasks but relied on him to keep up with their large home and farmland. Cullen had turned down the offer of help from her parents. He’d wanted to make a home for them both.

He’d find ways to help her acclimate to the differences as he called them and never referred to anything as a challenge, only the different approach she would need.

_Cullen stood at the barn waiting for her with their horses._

_“I thought we’d ride separately today, if you want to try?” He always stood where he would lead her by the right hand. She knew he worked to make each day seem effortless, but these days were anything but effortless._

_“Cullen, maybe this isn’t a good idea, I’ve always mounted from the left, never the right.” He read the concern in her widened eyes._

_“We’ll practice and if it feels too awkward, we’ll try another time,” his gentle coaxing and warm smile overshadowed her concerns._

_Approaching the horse from the right side seemed off to her and her brain rebelled when she pushed up in the stirrup with her right leg. She lost her grip and fell backwards, but Cullen was there to grab her waist._

_“That was good, Val. It’s strange, I know. I’ve been trying to teach myself to do the same so I could understand.” Cullen smiled and calmed the horse for another try._

_She tried to process his words. “You’ve practiced this?”_

_“Yes, it’s awkward to approach from this side, and I never realized I use both hands. I assumed you might as well.” Cullen’s explanation made sense and yet she stared at him in disbelief as he continued. “I took more attempts than I care to admit, even to you.”_

_She tried to climb into the saddle and found he was right, she had always used both hands. With each failed attempt, her disappointment compounded in her head and despite his encouragement she could not see past her inability to complete such a simple action._

_“I can’t do it,” she said a dark mood gathering around her, “I guess you’re just stuck with me.” She stalked off towards the house leaving him alone._

A soft knock on her door was followed with the usual greeting she’d received every morning since his arrival. “Dressed and outside in ten minutes!”

Pulling her clothes out she dressed with ease and her breath caught as another moment of clarity took her by surprise. The trousers pulled on and secured with a single toggle. The sleeve of her left arm could be fastened with a tab so it wouldn’t fall loosely. Cullen had seen to her wardrobe to minimize the difficulty for her. Cullen had seen to everything she could need and instead of thanking him she pushed him away.

“Bull! BULL!” Valerie yelled for him the panic rising in her chest at what she’d done.

The door flew open and crashed against the wall. She turned to face him.

“I need to know where he is and I will send a letter today, are we clear?” Her conviction startled him.

“No.  Earn it.” Bull stood firm. “Next time you scream like that you’d better be in trouble.” He grumbled and stomped down the stairs. When he reached the landing he chuckled to himself. _She’s finally waking up. Maybe this isn’t impossible._

He’d sent the bird after their session the previous day. Bull needed Leliana to know Valerie asked after Cullen constantly. He tried to make it clear he might only be able to keep her from writing for another week at most.

The heavy drop of her boots hitting each step warned of the foul mood heading his way and he quickly took control.  “Lose the attitude Val, if you want a reward you have to earn it. I’ll send a letter for you if . . . you can split one log.”

She laughed. “Split a log? Fine, I’ll split a log, get the axe.”

Bull put the log on the stump and handed her the short axe. “Should be easy right? Go ahead.”

Val stood before the stump and lifted the axe, she swung hard but the glancing blow knocked the log to the ground unmarred. She clenched her jaw.

“Pick it up and try again.” His tone was gentle, but firm. Bull would not help beyond guiding her through the exercise. “Lead with your right side, just like sparring. You need to land a heavy blow, Val. Go big or go home.”

She nodded through her frustration, she’d prove to him she could do this and tried again. Each missed hit met with greater anger and frustration, but Bull calmly corrected her form, her position and asked if she wanted to try again. After several hours the pain in her shoulder had been forgotten, but she was no closer to splitting the log or getting her letter to Cullen.

“Sorry Boss, I’m calling it. You can try again tomorrow. Get cleaned up.” Bull moved to take the axe from her.

“No. I won’t give up. He never gave up on me,” she pushed Bull back and squared her shoulders  _I can do this. Cullen, I can do this and I’ll prove it to you_. She focused on the log. An insignificant thing stood between her and Cullen. _You can’t stop me_ , she thought. Val stood back and took several steps forward to build the momentum in her arm. She yelled and hacked the log apart.

She dropped the axe and walked towards the house calling over her shoulder. “I’ll have the letter ready in the morning.”

Bull pumped his fist when she closed the door behind her. “Nice work, Boss.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your comments and observations. Your input is invaluable.


	13. 30 Bloomingtide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A guest of the Divine, Cullen faces a new path before him.

 

30 Bloomingtide

_A prison without walls is still such if it be in the mind or in the flesh. The armor I am to wear rests on the stand in my new home. Once accepted, I cannot withdraw. Once accepted there is no return to the simple life I’d promised._

_There is one undeniable fact, I sleep again and no longer wake at any sound my ears discern as unrest in a quiet home._

A knock on his chamber door is met with a sigh. He spoke to the empty room.  “No doubt the Most Holy wishes I parade around and show her strength in armor selection.”

Cullen opened the door to Leliana’s cryptic smile. “Leliana. Come to see if I will wear the shackles you have set before me?”

“You always were far too melodramatic, _Commander_.” Leliana eyed the armor and sauntered towards the stand to examine it. “You know where we are, the wars have weakened Thedas on all sides: The Chantry, the Templars, the Grey Wardens, the Seekers even the Circles and mages – all rats clinging to the last piece of wood as it sinks beneath a sea of destruction.”

He scoffed at her words.  “What were you saying about being melodramatic, _Spymaster_?” She was correct, Thedas was weakened and should Solas try to take advantage of her in this weakened state he would succeed.

“Cullen, I would never speak ill against the Most Holy, but I cannot agree with her plan. I convinced her to task you to help us gather, rebuild and train those we will need when Solas returns.” Leliana looked to him and the darkened expression on her face troubled him. “You should have been the Divine’s choice but the Most Holy clings to the false impression that Seeker Trevelyan will return.”

_Valerie. This is all about Valerie. That is why Bull arrived._ He turned from Leliana gathering what he knew. _Cassandra’s unannounced visit – it was to evaluate Valerie’s mental state._ Cullen recalled his conversation with Dorian through the sending crystal _. I had not asked him to find a solution through magic, and yet he’d tasked others in Tevinter._ His conversations with Bull before he left replayed in his head. _Bull planned to train her, condition her and help her find her way._ Cullen turned on heel to face Leliana. _There is only one path laid out for Valerie._ _The Right Hand_. “Cassandra seeks the Right Hand in a woman who cannot care for herself and expects her to deliver the Divine’s justice and mercy? Has she gone mad?”

 Leliana’s head fell forward. “You see now – good. Help me, Cullen. If Bull cannot wake her, we must be ready.” Leliana left his room and closed the door behind her. A folded parchment littered his floor.

Picking up the discarded paper he opened it. Six words to seal his fate, six words to bring back the conviction of the task before him. Six words will lead him forward in prayer, in hope and in strength.

_She asks after you every day_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments are always appreciated. Thank you for reading!


	14. 1 Justinian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie's physical conditioning takes a frightening turn.

1 Justinian-Valerie

She landed hard on her leg and grunted as she tried to catch her breath. “Fuck. Bull, I can’t do this yet!”

Shaking his head, Bull muttered to himself and pushed off the bench. “You’re trying too hard. Just block, don’t attack - again!”

Valerie held a shield in her right hand while Bull lobbed the wood chunks at her. “Block, Val! Put your weight into the shield.” He was pushing her harder than he should, but strength and conditioning her right arm was the way to build her confidence. Bull originally planned to toss wet rags, but the weight and awkward angles the wood impacted the shield were a perfect way to get her to move around and work her muscles.

She broke away and stomped over to him glaring into his amused face. “You’re an ass, Bull. This is not my shield arm; let me learn how to use the damn thing first!” Valerie huffed and returned to her position.

His head dropped and a sly grin crawled across his face. “So all that talk about Minrathous and the Proving Grounds and you never learned to use a shield in your dominant hand? Shit. Qunari warriors can switch arms without as much as a sweat.” 

Valerie scoffed. “Good for Qunari warriors. This _human_ needs to learn how to use a shield in her weapon hand. Maybe the real issue is that you can’t teach me and it’s dumb luck that you can use a shield at all.” Val’s shield fell from her right grip and she suddenly dropped to her knees grabbing at her left arm.  

She screamed and nearly hit her head against the ground sending Bull stumbling forward as he tried to reach her. “Val! Valerie!” He stood behind her lifting her shoulders. “Tell me what to do, Val.”

The pain wasn’t real. She’d been through this before. “Stop it,” she spat out the words, ”it’s not real.”  The non-existent Anchor flared. Her left arm flew up in pain. “Stop it, stop it, stop, stop, STOP!” She panted through the thousands of stabs and pinpricks on flesh she didn’t have. “It’s not there, it’s not real.”

Bull had heard stories, hell his eye was dead – the nerves no longer worked and the fucking thing itched from time to time.  But this?  He listened and waited for her to talk to him again and thought she would be all right until the tears started. 

“I can’t live like this, Bull. This isn’t normal. The Anchor and my hand - it isn’t there but I can feel it.” She sobbed harder. “Bull, listen to me. This is wrong. _I’m wrong_.”

He understood Cullen’s frustrations _.  How the fuck do you watch that again and again and not lose your shit?_ “All right breaking my rules.“ Bull picked Valerie up and hugged her. He could teach her only so much, and he wondered if Dorian would be able to help but for now this was the best he could do.

“You don’t have to do this,” she said leaning against him.

“Relax Val I don’t mess with married women especially those whose husbands I admire.  I’m not sticking my tongue down your throat - it’s just a fucking hug and you need one.” His sigh was exaggerated for her benefit. “We’re done for today. I want to talk to Dorian before we continue.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for continuing to read. Your comments, encouragements and insights are invaluable.


	15. 1 Justinian - Cullen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Divine confronts Cullen after days of waiting for his decision.

 

 

 

1 Justinian -Cullen

_Cassandra expects an answer. I cannot linger in my room another day.  If I understood Valerie’s thoughts, and I was sure she could comprehend what my decision would mean for us, perhaps this would be less troublesome._

_If she is to serve as I will then are we not still as promised? Even in the service of the Divine am I not husband? Is she not wife?_

_Valerie is not Leliana; I cannot say who took the Spymaster’s joy from her but the dark shroud that covered her lessened with Valerie’s friendship. Leliana does not allow emotions to take hold of her decisions but it will fall to Valerie to carry a swift sword and wield compassion and mercy in the same grip. Valerie must learn to navigate her feelings and follow the example of those who came before._

_It is folly to hide behind the notion I have not decided the next steps. The moment I walked up the gangplank of the ship I accepted the appointment. All that remains is to accept without reservations._

Cullen did not dress in the offered armor, instead he announced to the attendant he would see the Most Holy whenever she would receive him and returned to his room. Within minutes, a loud banging on his chamber door drew his attention from the desk.

“Have a care, I’ll be right there,“  he called out more forcefully than he’d intended.  Cullen reached for the handle when the heavy wood door swung open almost clipping him. He avoided injury thanks to reflexes.

The snarl on Cassandra’s face revealed everything – she’d grown tired of waiting.

“Cullen this is ridiculous, two days of sitting in this room is unacceptable!” Cassandra’s voice bounced off the walls and out into the hallway.

 Leliana peeked out from behind the fuming form of the Divine and coughed.

“No, Leliana you will not interfere this time.” Cassandra wheeled around to face Cullen. Fearing more screaming Leliana shooed the attendants away and closed the door.

Cullen’s own ire at the admonishment from Cassandra rose considerably but he held his anger in out of respect.

“What do you have to say, Cullen?” Cassandra huffed through her nose.

He pursed his lips and exhaled to hold on to the even waning calm he felt prior to Cassandra’s outburst. “Most Holy, I-“

Cassandra ripped off the mitre on her head and stuffed it into Leliana’s hands. “I’d remove the robe but that wouldn’t be appropriate.” She closed her eyes and inhaled. “Talk to me Cullen, to me - not to the office I hold.” 

Slow deliberate, contemplative steps carried Cullen to the desk. “I may speak freely?”

Cassandra scoffed. “For the love of the Maker, Cullen, speak plain.”  Leliana attempted to turn away to hide her amusement.  “Yes, Leliana I know I must restrain my speech.”

Turning back to face Cassandra, Cullen did not hold back. “You should have told me what you were planning - subterfuge and secrets! You talked as though we were friends full of concern and promises and yet you planned and schemed without any forethought to what it might do to _her_.” Cassandra pulled back her eyes widened at his controlled anger. “Do you truly think your office gave you control over someone so damaged she would suddenly heal?” He scoffed and threw his hands up in disgust. “You tasked Magisters in Tevinter to look for a magical solution to her _illness_? This is not an _illness_ and _magic_ is not the answer! Everyone you could enlist you did– except for me.”

“Cullen, I did not see-“ she tried to reply.

In spite of his anger, Cullen quickly gained control, his voice low and steady. “None of you saw anything, you simply assumed. I am grateful for Bull’s help and everything that is being done, but this is not the Inquisitor and we are not her advisers – she is _my_ _wife_.” He gripped the chair in front of him and closed his eyes again to center his thoughts. “Forgive me. Valerie is more important to me than you can imagine.”

Leliana and Cassandra exchanged glances but Leliana spoke first. “Then you decline to assist us.”

He shook his head.  “No, I will do as you asked – because _you_ asked. However I will need assurances.”

Cassandra stepped closer. “Cullen, it was never my intention to hurt either of you.”  He answered with a short sound, Cassandra could not clearly hear. “What assurances do you require?”

He faced Cassandra, and she blanched watching a tear roll down his cheek and drop from his chin. He did not acknowledge it. “If Valerie is not ready you will not force this upon her.“

“Of course,” she replied, “continue, please Cullen.” Her tone had dropped considerably knowing his emotional state.

“You will allow _her_ to make the decision to accept or decline, this is not negotiable.” Cullen stated with more conviction. “You will not interfere with communication between us.”

Cassandra replied, “Agreed. But what of you are there any assurances I can give to you, Cullen?” He seemed to lose focus for a few moments staring out the window and in this quiet moment she found his silence disturbing.

Leliana’s amusement at Cullen’s forcefulness waned as she watched Cullen disappear and the Commander take over once again. He cleared his throat and stood with precision - legs apart, hands clasped behind him.  “Then I accept your offer. Please have a runner assigned to me at all hours, I will require daily reports and updates as to our status and I require complete access to all information that is available as it becomes so; are we in agreement?”

The enormity of the change in her friend concerned Cassandra, but it was too late. This is what she needed, what Thedas needed. She would pray that he could retrieve his heart sooner rather than later. Once again, everything would come down to Valerie.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for continuing to read. Your comments and insights are invaluable.


	16. 2 Justinian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie rests after her ordeal and in the silence of her room - she remembers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Implied suicide attempt

2 Justinian – Valerie

_“Val, wake up.” She heard Cullen’s voice but ignored him. “Val, I will not play the same game every morning.”_

_She rolled over and grabbed the pillow ignoring him with a grunt._

_“Did you grunt at me?” Cullen asked, trying to mask his amusement. “Why Lady Valerie, whatever will the neighbors think of such behavior?”_

_“Andraste’s tits, Cullen. Let me sleep.” She grumbled and covered her head with the blanket._

_“I regret to inform you that such blasphemy requires swift punishment.” Grabbing the blanket with both hands, a single swift motion pulled the blanket from the bed._

_“Cullen, stop now. Let me sleep.” Valerie flopped back into the pillows._

_Valerie was expected to put in an appearance at an affair hosted by her parents. She hoped to sleep far too long and conveniently arrive late._

_She cringed as he cleared his throat dramatically. “Oh envious sun, wake the fair lady to greet the new day.”_

_“Cullen, stop,” she warned._

_He chuckled at her complaint but continued, “fair of face yet foul unless the she sleeps the morning away.”_

_Valerie lifted her head in his direction, “I’m warning you Cullen.”_

_“Lest she forgets, she sent no regrets and stuck us with family this day.” Cullen snickered at his own cleverness and waited._

_Valerie huffed, rolled out of the bed and stomped over to where he stood. “I’ve got one for you, love.” She poked him in the chest. “Cullen, you alone I adore, even though you’re a bit of a bore, now please be a dear, get your ass out of here, before I knock it down to the floor.” She pecked a kiss on his cheek._

_The rich laugh that erupted from him at her impromptu poetry soon caught her as well and both were laughing until Cullen pulled her into his arms._

Grasping the pillow from Cullen’s side of the bed her smile quickly faded at the onset of a darker memory.

_He pounds on the door. Relentless pounding. Her breath catches knowing if she is to free him she must hurry. She will give him this and free him from the burden of her useless body. The enemy in her head reminds her she is useless and broken. It points her to see all the failures and the weight of her needs on Cullen’s life._

_He will do well alone._  
He is stronger than you could ever be.  
You take too much from him.  
You failed him.

_The pounding on the door gives way to a violent assault against the wood between frantic screams. Her hand tightens around the hilt and she asks the Maker to forgive her weakness as wood splinters and cracks into the bedroom. They have found her. She has only seconds to plunge the blade. The enemy breaks through her defenses and wrestles to subdue her pulling the dagger from her hand. Struggling against the arms holding her close she sobs at yet another failure._

_“Valerie! Why?”_

_The voice. Cullen. She remembers his face, his arms, and it is he who holds her and not an enemy. Her eyes focus to see him, his face wet and eyes wide as he holds her face in his hands.  He tries to catch his breath and talk._

_He pulls her close and rocks her in his arms. “Please try, Val. Talk to me, let me help you.” She grips at Cullen to stay in his world, breathe his air and find a way to silence the enemy in her head. “Valerie, together we can find a way. Try Val. Promise me to try that’s all. Give me one more sunrise. Promise me just one.”_

She cried, not at the memory, but because the desire to free Cullen from his burden still haunted her. She exhaled sharply and closed her eyes.

 _One more sunrise_ , she thought, _every night he asked me for one more. He could have asked for months, years, but every night he only asked for one more sunrise_.

In her daily work with Bull, even with the physical pain, each day was easier to wake and give Cullen another sunrise.  She prayed silently and offered her thoughts to him. _I’m trying to keep my promise Cullen._


	17. 2 Justinian -Cullen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alone and consumed with his failures, Cullen takes a step in the wrong direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Implied Suicide, Addiction, Implied Relapse.

 

2 Justinian – Cullen

One does not slip bravery or courage on their person like a garment. True bravery is facing impossible odds; the act of stepping forward when every fiber of your heart and soul begs you to move away. Knowing in that single step there rests the possibility of pain, suffering and even loss.

Those I had the honor to know, Dorian, Bull, Thom are brave to have faced their greatest fears and still charged forward.

Hawke traded his life for Valerie and Alistair. He was brave.

I am not a brave man, no matter what some may say. Even now I hide in Orlais inside a suit of armor instead of doing what I should.

The sympathy I receive from many has become intrusive. Apologies, prayers, all of it well-meant but I finally understand Valerie’s laments.

 

_“I am a show. A thing to be pitied!” Valerie paced in the kitchen. “I led the Inquisition, I am a Seeker – why does everyone ignore me and see only the loss, Cullen? Tell me!”_

_Cullen didn’t know what to say. If he used so much as a wrong word this would escalate._

_“Well? No words of wisdom? Shall we find one of your precious books? Explain something to me, Cullen.” He knew this side of her, Valerie would spit her venom and wait for him to fight back._

_She pulled open a drawer and grabbed his journal. “This. This is all you care about, Cullen. Writing. That’s all you do anymore! Let’s see what Cullen has to say.”_

_He sighed, there was nothing he could say until her anger subsided. “Val, there’s nothing of interest inside to anyone but me.”_

_Valerie slammed the journal on the table and opened it to a random page. Grabbing the open book in her hand she paced as she read. “Two Guardian,” she began her condescending tone and flippant attitude made him cringe, “I did not sleep last night.“  Glaring at Cullen she continued, “no doubt we’re about to read that once again I cause all the problems here.”_

_There was nothing he could do but sigh. “Valerie, you are not a problem.”_

_Scoffing at his words she continued. She looked at the page and stopped. He knew the entry._

_“Read it, Val. If you want to know what I really think, read the words.” Cullen’s inner turmoil was not reflected in his appearance. The tight grip of crushing pain around his crown forced him to sit, his head resting in his hands as she read his words._

_“I did not sleep last night. I was lost in her serenity.” Her voice trembled. “The softened lines in her face belied the pain she endures silently. There was such comfort in the rise and fall of her chest, I could not close my eyes. Would that I could find the words to make her see herself as I do? Would that she could remember how she once loved me as I love her still.”_

A knock on his door interrupted Cullen’s thoughts. “Ser, I have – package for you Ser.” Cullen pushed away from his desk. The pain around his crown had returned since he arrived. His responsibilities, concerns, fears and the distance from Valerie effected his concentration and effectiveness. He would give her as much time as she needed, but to do so, he needed more from himself.

Cullen accepted the parcel from the scout and closed the door behind him before returning to his desk. Placing the long wooden box on his desk, the shaking of his hands disturbed him. “If you do this, you are a fool,” Cullen nodded in agreement with his own words and returned to his journal.

_The pain in my head grows with each passing day. There is no guarantee that my plan will help me concentrate on the tasks ahead of me, but this is familiar – this I can control and I can stop when Valerie returns. _

Dropping the quill on his desk, he tapped the top of the box.

 _“Cullen, you can. I believe in you.”_ Valerie told him those words years ago.

If he had the strength to carry her burden and his, he would not need this artifice of strength. “I’m sorry, Val. I stopped believing in myself when I could not help you.” A tentative hand reached out to open the box. Once opened he would not hesitate to the next step.

The crash of his door against the stone wall sent Cullen falling back into his chair.

Cassandra dragged the scout who’d left his presence not long before and threw the man into the room. “Where is it? Do not lie to me Cullen, if you have touched a single drop-” Cassandra fumed, her face burned and cheeks flamed in red tinge. “Well? I asked a simple question, Cullen. Where?!?” 

Leliana tried to reason with Cullen. “You’ve worked so hard to be free, Cullen. Why?”

Cassandra rolled her eyes and stalked towards him. “How do you dare, Cullen? Leliana take that man from here and close the door.”

Leliana’s concern shifted from Cullen to Cassandra. He was not afraid as she thought, he was angry.  She motioned to the guards to remove the scout and stayed.

Cullen laughed surprising the pair. “How do I dare? What could you possibly know of me? Tell me, please. I know nothing of myself any longer. You want to know why? Because I can control this.” Cullen rested his hand on the box. “I was strong once. Now I am a place holder while you wait for a hero to reemerge from her slumber, I sit here and fester, as an open wound.”

“Cullen, do not do this to yourself. There is no one more brave than you.” Cassandra offered, softening her tone.

He raised his hands to his temple and rubbed. Closing his eyes he scoffed. “I am not brave. Maker’s blood, listen to yourself! Do you have any idea what these years have been for me? Any at all? Either of you?”

Cullen waited for a response and when silence greeted him he continued. “She died that day, you know. I was too blind to see the signs.” He paced the room as he spoke. “I kept track, every day I wrote what I felt, what I saw and with each passing week she slipped further from me. Oh I tried, I truly did. I wanted to make everything better, easier and more simple. The truth of the matter is perhaps it would have been better for her – dying.”

The shock of his admission stunned them.

Staring out the window, he could not stop the words as the flooded from him. “Small things came first. She would not meet my eyes, or return my smile. She pretended to eat most days, push the food around her plate and then pretend she was tired.” He coughed to quell the rising sorrow. “She nearly succeeded one night.”

The weight of his implication made Cassandra gasp. “No, it cannot be true.”

Nodding his head he slumped back into the chair. “She’d read my journal and something in her changed.  She took the daggers I gave her and locked herself in our room.”

“Cullen, you should have told me,” Leliana said.

“To what end? What could you have done in place of me? I stopped her. She seemed to be doing well, until it started again just before you sent Bull.” He picked up the box and held it. “I wasn’t strong enough to help her fight the despair consuming her, Cassandra. I should have protected her.” He clasped the box in his hands. “This can give me that strength again. I will be who you need and in that prepare for Valerie’s return.“

 

 

 


	18. 5 Justinian -Cullen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen continues to make poor decisions. It falls to Leliana and Cassandra to help.

 

5 Justinian - Cullen

 

_Dorian found me first, his usual calm a violent mess of fear and anger.  I was shocked at the strength he possessed as he pulled me through the halls towards the Eluvian._

_The urgency of his words, so uncharacteristic of the man I considered a friend, my own sensibilities left me as I watched her fall to the floor._

A knock on the door pulled Cullen’s attention away from his reading and he tossed the journal on the desk. “Enter!”

The door opened slowly to reveal Leliana waiting in the entryway.

“In or out, Spymaster. Do not hover.” Cullen’s short tone and tense stance confirmed Leliana’s concern. Cullen’s anger had not subsided.

“Inspection time again?” Cullen’s scowl intensified casting a dark pall in the room. “By all means, my privacy is yours.”

She did not acknowledge his brusqueness, but crossed to the desk taking in the pile of journals. “Your memories are not helping you, Cullen. Surely you recognize this?” Leliana hoped to reason with him. He was not under lock and key and was free to do as he pleased.

Cassandra asked for patience if at the end of fourteen days’ time Cullen wished to resume his lyrium use; she would secure a reliable source. Cullen did not see the decision with rational eyes; instead, he interpreted the waiting period as punishment. To further his belief, Cassandra’s punishment for the scout who brought the lyrium to Cullen was an assignment to the Approach.

“My memories are all I have of her,” he said moving towards the door, “thank you for your concern. I await the will of the Divine.” He held the door and gestured for her to leave him.

Leliana clasped her hands behind her back and sauntered out the door. “Cullen,” she nodded as she passed him. He caught a slight smirk on her face and once alone, he discovered the reason for her smugness – a folio sat on his desk atop the journal.

“Maker’s breath, how does she _do_ that?” He’d not seen her carry anything into the room, nor did he see her drop anything. Picking up the papers, he recognized the script. _Valerie_. She had the most peculiar writing; a nonsensical mix of script and block letters. It was maddening when he tried to decipher her reports, but there was comfort within the first few words.

 _ ~~Hello.~~_  
 _~~Love~~_  
 _Cullen_ ~~~~  


_I wasted three pages just trying to figure out what to say. I don’t have your gift of words._  
_I need to tell you I had NOTHING to do with Bull throwing you out. I asked for his help, yes._  
_But let me explain. I thought I  lost you. (Did I lose you?)  Bull promised to help me no matter what and why I asked for his help.  
_ _OH! I SPLIT A LOG! With an axe!_

 _I still suck at writing, some ~~fucking~~ noble, right?  Sorry. I should not have access to parchment and ink._  
_Bull told me I couldn’t write you until I split a log, and it nearly took all night, but I wanted you to be proud of me. I’m writing, so I did it!_  
_Please explain how my words sound like a small child and yours are annoyingly perfect?_  
_I have to confess I pulled some of the old journals from the trunk in the spare room. I can hear you in those books._  
_Please don’t be cross.  I’m taking care of myself and my successes are because of your thoughtfulness._

_The nightmares, the pain it’s all still there, and I don’t know if it will ever stop. I would understand if you did not return.  
Bull tells me I can’t ever go back, and he’s right. I’m not the same person. Maybe we could start over?_

_Val_

“He did it,” Cullen said aloud, “Thank you, Bull.” Reward systems in training were not uncommon, but Valerie’s stubbornness and tenacity were a perfect fit. “Well done. Tell her she can’t have what she wants, and she fights back.” He nodded in agreement with her obvious progress.

He flipped through her usual silliness, stick figure depictions of yelling at Bull, sparring and other tasks. Cullen flicked away a tear when he noticed she’d drawn herself with the missing forearm. A second letter was buried at the bottom. 

At first glance, something was wrong.  The writing shook where ink met parchment as if the writer shuddered while attempting to put words to page.

 _The thoughts I have when I’m alone about what I did to you, to us._  
You should have left me in Orlais. No one would hate you or blame you.  
Why did you stay, Cullen?  
_The Anchor woke me again. How is it possible?_  
Why does it haunt me? How do I make it stop?  
What more will it take of me?  
_My head hurts. My throat hurts. Bull yelling through the door hurts my ears._  
_But I don’t want his help.  Why won’t this stop?_

 _Not Valerie. The voice in my head. The other._  
_I can keep her away in the daylight. Right now she laughs at me._  
_The other says I don’t deserve help._

 _I can’t find my ring. Where is it? Did the Anchor take it from me?_  
_If I have my ring and you have yours - there is still us._  
_Why aren’t you here, Cullen?_  
_Please don’t give up on me._

Angrily wiping his face to clear the tears he tore the parchment into pieces before throwing it into the fire pit. Armor discarded on the floor he dressed and grabbed his cloak. He muttered to himself preparing his pack. “This was a terrible mistake. She wakes and I leave her with another. The task was mine, and I allowed him to take my place without question. She needs me.”

He wrenched the door open to find Cassandra on the other side. “Excellent. I see you are prepared to travel. You will leave for the north immediately.”

“With respect, Most Holy, my service has ended. I must return to Ostwick.” Cullen tried to maneuver around Cassandra but she stood firm.

Sighing heavily Cassandra shook her head. “I cannot allow you to leave now, Cullen. You will travel north with Leliana; she will explain on the way.”

“No. This was a mistake - a grave error I intend to fix immediately. Thank you for your _hospitality_ , Most Holy.”  Cullen’s words, while delivered with implied respect were laced with venom and spite. “I will not travel north, nor shall I continue while my wife has need of me.  Now, let me pass.”

Cassandra did not move.  “Cullen, please do not force my hand. Regardless of the title, I am your friend.”

He bit back the anger rising in his chest. “Then as a friend, you will no doubt give me leave to return home.” Cullen paused and considered the options Cassandra held in her power.  “Do you wish to arrest me and force me into service?” 

The situation was unexpected. Bull kept her well apprised of the nightmares and the pain Valerie endured. Nevertheless, Valerie was stronger and independent. However, allowing Cullen to leave now might disrupt Valerie’s progress. If Cassandra remanded him into service, it might sever their friendship, but Cullen’s current state of dependency had to be broken . “I see . . . as you wish, Cullen.” Cassandra turned to her attendants. “Arrest him.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for continuing to read. Your comments and insights are always welcome.


	19. 6 Justinian - Cullen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Under house arrest, Cullen returns to his journal.

 

**6 Justinian - Cullen**

Cullen paced his room while guards stood on the other side of the door.  Bitterness flowed through his body in place of blood. He would never forgive Cassandra for her meddling. Cullen sighed aloud. “You know that is not true, do not say otherwise,” he chastised himself and fell into a chair to write.

_Even in its purest form, concern can obscure the truth. I admit to the same fault with Valerie. The desire to help, to take her burden from her was my mistake. To do so allowed Valerie to hide away from the truth._

_My intentions allowed me to present Valerie with the means to care for herself. Rather than deliver these tools and offer myself as guide, I continued to take on her tasks instead of trusting her to work towards her own independence as Bull has done._

_I have lived in the pages of our past. Through my words I would submerge my emotions and my failings into ink and parchment until I was ready to uncover the events in safety.  During the events surrounding the Breach I wrote to separate reality from the hallucinations and because I feared I might forget what was most important. What served me then, has failed me. When she pushed away from me I retreated further into my words and  my silence only validated her withdrawal from me._

_Were my actions so reprehensible? Would not any other do the same? In my desire to envelop her in love and support I smothered the will of a precious soul. I tried to force my good intentions upon her and in that act enslaved her to an ideal within my memories._

He paused and place the quill carefully on the desk, a slight smile on his face at the remembrance of better days.

______________________________

“Fancy yourself a writer,” Valerie teased, “I see you scribbling as much as Varric. So, what do you write about?”

Cullen closed the journal and turned towards her. Mornings in Skyhold like this were his favorite. She’d returned just before midnight and joined him silently. When he woke in the early morning hours to find her next to him, her presence fascinated Cullen. The way his heart would thump excitedly and the elation at seeing her always moved him to write.

“Val, it’s a journal. I’ve kept them since Kirkwall. A way to look back at what happens when I am better suited to process an emotion.” He hadn’t meant for his explanation to sound so sterile. Writing helped him, he could separate the nightmares from his waking hours.

She scooted closer to him to rub her nose against his. “Cullen, let me explain how this works. You don’t process emotions – you feel them. How do you feel right now? Humor me. First thing that comes to mind, how do you feel?”

He sighed and closed his eyes. “Content, perhaps? Is that the proper word? You’re here.” His ears reddened at his openness with her.

“What were you writing about? Is it all right to ask?”

“At the risk of sounding a little juvenile – you.” Cullen searched her face for a reaction to his admission.

She grinned. “Should I be concerned?”

______________________________

Realization stole the smile from his face.

_Maker forgive me I did not understand. I sought to preserve what was and find the contentment I believed was lost._

_Lyrium is no different. It offers nothing but the illusion of strength and significance. A trick. I must decide if I want to live within the illusion. Valerie broke through hers, but I do not know if I can follow her example._

_I see it now. As much as my heart breaks at the thought of our separation, this parting between us has helped her. My memories of her as she was no longer reflect the woman she is now. If we are to start again as Valerie has asked, I must separate myself from the illusion and decide who I will be._

 


	20. 7 Justinian - Cullen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassandra and Leliana try to help Cullen in their own way.

**7 Justinian – Cullen**

Four hours. Four hours the two stared at one another neither speaking to the other. Cassandra possessed less patience than Cullen.  She shifted in her chair and stood abruptly.

“This is ridiculous. Will you travel north with Leliana?” Cassandra huffed, as Cullen remained stoic. “I can assure you Valerie is well; I would not lie about her condition. Once you return, you are free to leave as you see fit.” 

Cullen stared at her, expressionless and unmoved.

“Would you truly sit and play the child? Cullen, I apologized yesterday and when I first entered. What more would you ask of me?” Her cool resolve had broken and Cassandra paced the room.

A quiet knock and Leliana entered the room, meeting Cullen’s eyes.

Cassandra turned to face her. “Not now, Leliana!” Cassandra barked out her words only to realize her tone and sighed.  “I apologize. Perhaps a break is what we both need. I will rescind the house arrest; it was never my intention to punish you, Cullen.”

She carried her chair silently and placed it against the wall. Head bowed, she glanced sideways towards him. “If I may speak plainly – you and Valerie – I consider far more than I should as Divine. I cannot sit idly by and watch you succumb to the lyrium path once again. I want so much for the both of you and perhaps it is this dream that prevents me from seeing clearly.”  Cassandra looked at him once more. “I value your counsel, Cullen. However, I will not force you to help -do as you will.” She left Leliana in the room closing the door behind her.

“The letter you gave me on its way to your wife. I sent it with someone I trust and it should arrive in four days.” Leliana spoke to the room not to him directly. She stared out the window leaning against the wall.  

Cullen’s voice, barely audible sounded strange after the long silence. “Thank you.”

Leliana waited and said nothing. Leaving him to his thoughts she tried to leave.

“A moment, Leliana.” Cullen breathed deeply and stood. “How long would I be away, if I traveled with you?”

She did not turn to face him. “Three weeks, perhaps four. I would be . . .indebted to you, Cullen. If not you, I would be forced to rely on someone I do not know.”

He nodded. “I cannot refuse then. If the Divine will give me leave to go, we will depart when you are ready.”

 _Thank the Maker_ , she thought, _perhaps this will help him see his path more clearly._ Leliana nodded once. “Tomorrow we leave. Meet me at the stables at first light and pack for speed,” she said and slipped out the door.  

 

 


	21. 9 Justinian - Valerie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie earns the use of the sending crystal.

9 Justinian – Valerie

The crystal glowed on the worktable and she waited for the other party to speak first.

“It’s about time! Where in the Void have you been?” She could hear Dorian’s concern evident even through his admonishment.

The kitchen chair scraped against the floor and Valerie sat. “I had to earn the right to use my own gift, Dorian. Bull isn’t available, I knocked him on his ass and he’s taking a few moments to settle himself.”

The silence in response worried Valerie she’d lost the connection, but she continued in spite of her concern. “You didn’t expect to hear from me, Dorian,“ she was angry, but wanted answers, “Bull tells me there is no reason for concern, but my instincts tell me there is much hidden from me. So, my friend, if you would care to enlighten me?”

It had taken several days to beat Bull and even now, she had to ignore the throbbing in her muscles. She’d pushed herself too far and would pay for a day or more. Bull wasn’t angry with her, he’d enjoyed baiting her to push her to the limits of her physical self.

_“Stop dancing around Val and hit me!” Bull laughed and spread his arms wide. “I’m not fighting back, so what’s the problem?” Bull tilted his head down slightly and grinned. “I know. You’ve gotten soft.”_

_Anger seething, she dropped the half-staff and snatched a full size staff from the barrel._

_Bull’s surprise echoed in his question. “Are you sure you want that, Val? I’m not sure you’re ready.”_

_Staring him down, face reddened with anger she held the staff level with her chest. “Why, Bull, is that fear I see on your face?”_

_He laughed. “You wish.”_

Dorian’s laughter swept her in as though they sat next to one another sharing stories. Bull entered the kitchen rolling his neck from side to side. “Let me guess,” he said taking in the scene in front of him, “this is at my expense.”

Valerie tried to stop but another burst of laughter exploded from her fueling Dorian’s laughter. She coughed and tried again to stop, “Sorry Bull.”

He grumbled and shook his head. “Yea, sure.”

Clearing his throat, Dorian’s voice resounded through the crystal. “Valerie this little diversion has been wonderful, but I’m afraid I have much that requires my attention. Perhaps when you are prepared for travel you and Cullen will visit.”

Her expression soured. “I find it curious that after all this time you can simply dismiss me, Dorian.”

Silence fell, and a sigh caught Valerie’s ear. “I did not mean to offend you Valerie, talking through this crystal is not the best. I assumed this was brief hello.”

She leaned forward, her face inches from the crystal. “You’re a terrible liar, Dorian.  Answer me two questions and then I will let you go.”

Bull groaned inwardly, he’d avoided the answer of Cullen’s whereabouts for some time, but Valerie was no longer accepting his dismissals. Bull knew what would follow.

Dorian’s cheerful voice responded as she expected.  “Anything, Valerie, please tell me how I might help?”

“You gave Bull a formula for a salve for my skin. There’s far too much rashvine in it and the burn was considerable.” She stood and retrieved the ink and parchment. “Would you remember the formula?”

“Easy enough, my dear, tell me when you are ready.” Valerie and Dorian talked through the formula. She found the problem.  Eleven parts embrium to two parts rashvine. The formula was reversed when they prepared it earlier. “I see the problem Dorian, the two ratios were swapped.”

She’d have to discard the old salve, it could prove dangerous.

Dorian promised to be more careful when delivering formulas via the crystal and then asked Valerie for her second request.

“Where is Cullen?” Valerie’s question had no inflection of inquiry. It was a demand and one she would no longer accept vague answers and diversions. “It’s not a difficult question and I don’t know is not acceptable, because _you know_ \- as does Bull.”

“Val, that’s not fair, Dorian is in Tevinter.” Bull attempted to pull her attention.

She ignored him and continued. “I can’t ride a horse yet, but when I am I able to do so without help, I plan to find Cullen. Don’t you dare try to convince me otherwise. I’m missing a critical piece and his sudden absence is that piece.”

“I can promise you, Cullen is not with me at this time,” Dorian explained, “I will. . .see what I can do. I must admit, to hear you speak with such conviction is a welcome sound.”

Pushing his chair back, Bull stood to join her. Valerie held up her hand.  “Spare me the rhetoric, Dorian. Losing part of my arm did not affect my intelligence.” She took a slow breath. “I apologize. I can’t dismiss how I feel. There’s so much more to this little play then what you are both telling me and I would have thought – my friends- to be more supportive.”

Bull stepped closer. “Val, you’re almost there. You can take care of yourself; you won’t need me or anyone else to help you.”

She frowned, brows knit together. “Exactly. But why? Why now? I’m losing patience here and its best we stop now before I take my frustration out on the both of you.”

She crouched before the edge of the table, face level with the crystal. “Thank you for your help Dorian. I appreciate whatever it is you think you are trying to do for me. A final request -find Cullen. You want to help me? Find. Cullen.”


	22. 11 Justinian - Valerie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie receives Cullen's letter.

**11 Justinian – Valerie**

_Val,_

_Your letter was perfect. I could see your smile in the words. I imagine you dropping the axe at Bull’s feet and striding confidently back to our home. Victorious. Although it was only one log, so I believe my beloved task of splitting logs is safe._

“Cheeky for your first letter back to me, Cullen,” Valerie said aloud. Her finger underlined the words ‘our home’.  “So you do consider this home.”

_I must confess this is my sixth parchment. My thoughts are trying to push forth onto the pages but each time I start, I wonder if I am too direct, too strong and should simply write as to a friend. You are so much more than friend and therein lies the crux. So instead, I want to share what I keep with me when I am alone with my thoughts._

_A broken latch on a larder door –do you remember?  Even as I write this, a shudder moves through me. The look of shock on the steward’s face and your mother’s stern gaze when they found us. I know she did not believe the story we told of the broken latch, trapping us within. I wonder still what upset her more, the meal atop the barrels or how we interrupted her evening._

Valerie placed the letter next to her trying to remember the dinner party. “The larder? Why did we go there?”  A laugh escaped her as the events of the evening came tumbling out.

___________________

Valerie pushed Cullen against the wall as the cook passed them. She hushed him and looked around the corner. “Hush. If we’re found out, I’ll never hear the end of this.”

Leaning close to her he whispered, “Why are we sneaking around and whispering for that matter?”

“Simple. Mother does not like this family; she’s serving the worst wine she has in her stock. Since you forced me to come here, a little raid is in order. The cider made from the Tantervale orchards is so much better. So, a quick run to the larder where she keeps the cider a bottle for now and one for later and we’ll be back before we’re missed.”  He grinned at her obvious plan.

“Yes, I can see how this will work.” He teased her with a frown. “Val, allow me to ask for what you want.”

She smiled. “Where’s the fun in that?” A wink and quick peck on his nose and she peered around the corner again, pulling back suddenly as one person or another would pass.

Cullen couldn’t help the laughter at her bobbing back and forth. Valerie covered his mouth with her hand. “Hush! Mother rules here. She’ll separate us out of spite if we’re caught.”

A sudden tug on his arm and Val pulled Cullen to the next alcove behind a large floor vase. “One more corner and we’re there.  Aidan and I used to do this late at night.”

“Last chance Val, allow me to ask.” Cullen offered, rubbing his thumb across her chin.

Smiling up at him, she paused. “When you ask me like that, perhaps  I should think about this.” Looking down at her feet, she tilted her head to listen to the sounds in the kitchen. “I’m enjoying this, so no thank you, let’s go.”

Cullen’s hands clutched her dress at the waist just to keep her close. Standing at the larder door, Valerie tried the handle. She muttered a curse as the latch struggled against her. Cullen reached around her to attempt the latch himself when a young voice addressed them both.

“Begging your pardon my lady, are you in need of help?” The kitchen girl sat on a chair near the oven. “I’m Annabelle, your ladyship,” she curtsied. She couldn’t have been over twelve or thirteen years old. Her eyes widened as she took in Cullen’s smiling face. “You’re him! The one the ladies speak of – oh apologies, my lord. You’re the new Lord Trevelyan.” Cullen snorted at the use of the title. Her faced burned in pink hues thinking his reaction was one of anger. 

“Please calm yourself, Cullen is sufficient.” He tried to take a step towards her, but the young girl, so embarrassed by her mistake ran down the hall.

The battle between Valerie and the latch won, she pulled Cullen by the tunic and closed the door behind them.  Taking in the large larder, Valerie stood in the center of the immense room. Twice the size of their bedchamber, this was the Lady Melisende’s reserved larder. Meant for guests, dignitaries and private use, delicacies that are even more interesting were found here.  Valerie searched the shelves oblivious to Cullen’s rant.

“Must they use that . . . that title? I’m not a noble.” Cullen slumped against the wall.

Valerie clucked her tongue. “Cullen, it’s only when we are here. You could’ve said no.”

“Yes, I could have, but that would have been a thumb at your parents. Josephine made that clear to me, married without real permission, in secret and I believe the list of infractions goes on from there.”  The resignation in his voice drew her from her search.

“Listen to me. I don’t care. I don’t want all the responsibility that comes with the name. You excel at the communications, the record keeping, and the constant need to remember names and trivial information. I bash bad things into the ground – or I did. Ugh. What I need right now is to find that cider.”

Cullen wanted to check for the young girl to apologize and tried the larder door. Nothing happened. He depressed the latch with more force – again nothing.  “Val, there’s a problem with the door.”

She moved about ignoring his comment pulling out various items and placing them to the side, carrying on a private conversation about a late night picnic for the two of them.  “Found it!” She called out to him holding a bottle with the family crest. “One for now, and two for later,” she said placing each bottle on the floor with care.

Cullen crossed his arms and stared at her.  “Val. Stop your market trip for a moment. The door will not open. We’re locked in here.”

“That’s not funny Cullen, quit playing around.” Valerie shook her head and grabbed a basket from the floor.

 He marched to her position and picked her up. She struggled as he carried her over to the door. “Try the door.”

She wriggled free and grabbed the door handle. Valerie pulled once. Twice.  As she was about to try again, he took her hand in his. “We’re stuck.”

“Oh well. We’re stuck. Help me over here will you? Those half barrels - move them here near the basket of loot.” Valerie gave directions to Cullen to move things around creating a small space for them to sit across from each other.

“Val, what are you doing? We need to get help,” he said.

Reaching out to him, he took her hand. “Cullen, we’re stuck, but I am determined to enjoy this.” She smiled and led him towards the basket. “I have chosen some amazing tastes for you, but unless you want to sit on the ground, I need your help to move those half barrels,” she nodded her head towards the containers, “over here.”

____________________

Bull heard Valerie’s laughter downstairs in the kitchen. He’d been worried when the messenger arrived with Cullen’s letter. Bull was even more concerned after the quick debriefing – Cullen under house arrest, but likely traveling in the next few days and the uncertainty surrounding the possible use of lyrium _. Fuck, Cullen what more? I need to tell Dorian everything as soon as possible._

Laughter was a good sound. Bull never took Cullen to be the humorous type, but as long as she wasn’t crying or screaming, it was good. Bull stopped halfway up the stairs. “You all right?”

Val wiped the tears from her eyes and yelled down to say she was fine. She’d laughed so hard the tears fell on their own. Cullen’s absolute horror at the discovery of them with their haul and the subsequent discussion on proper behavior was an amazing memory to relive.

She glanced at the letter. There were pages to go, but the gift of laughter he’d given her would sustain her through sleep. She would continue to read in the morning. She dug her wedding ring and his coin from the envelope and placed the ring on her finger. _He kept it safe._  

Clutching the coin in her hand, she sighed. “Good night, love. Thank you.”


	23. 15 Justinian - Valerie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie continues to wake from her self-induced withdrawal of her life. Bull and Leliana arrange a visit from an an old friend who gives Valerie a new perspective on Cullen and their marriage.

 

15 Justinian - Valerie

Valerie hated crying. She didn’t want to cry anymore.   _Seekers don’t cry_ , she thought, wiping the tears from her face, Cassandra’s voice spoke in her head _. It is not enough for you to try, Valerie – you must know you will succeed._ Valerie sighed. “She’s not even here and I can still hear her.”

Bull noted the tears on her face. “Do I want to know?”

“Cass. She never shuts up, even in my head,” she laughed and wiped her face.

Days of failed attempts to climb into the saddle had worn Valerie’s emotions raw.  Bull had a hard time keeping up with her; she’d laugh and cry at the same time and Cullen’s letter confused him more than anything else did. Bull could hear her sobs and then soon after Valerie would loose the most raucous laughter. When he’d ask if she was all right, Valerie would nod and return to her room.

The improvements to Valerie were subtle. She woke on her own and often finished her morning tasks even before Bull awoke.  She was out in the yard at dawn, trying to work with the horses. Valerie’s mare was smaller, but Cullen’s horse was far more patient. After several hours, Bull stopped her efforts.

 “You’re done for the day,” Bull had arranged for this visit with Leliana’s help. “It’s time for you get moving. You’ve got guests arriving today.”  

Instead of returning to the house, she began to groom the horse.

Bull intervened. “Not this time, Val. Go get ready. Nothing fancy, just be comfortable.” He turned her shoulders towards the house. “Go, I’ve got this.”  

Valerie didn’t bother to boil the bathwater in the side room; she bathed and dressed. Bull had refused to share the identity of her guests.  Letters and packages arrived every so often after Cullen left.  Varric from Kirkwall, Blackwall from Weisshaupt and even Sera had sent squashed cookies and cakes from somewhere. Leliana sent packages from Orlais, most of which were opened and sent to her mother – Valerie still had no use for fancy perfumes and soaps. She couldn’t figure out who would venture out in the Marches to see her.

She heard the horse further up the dirt road just before midday, but a high-pitched squeal drew her out onto the path. As the horse neared, she could see a young child and a man approaching at great speed. She hurried into the yard to clear the road. The rider slowed as he passed. Her confusion turned to surprise as a familiar voice shouted to her. “Oh ho! We’ve found the Lady Valerie!”  The young child giggled in response.

 _Alistair_. He looked different. Gone was the proper Warden, replaced by a man with shoulder length hair, a full beard and tanned.  _Alistair must work the Orchard as well._ Valerie and Cullen gave them the Orchard near Tantervale when Alistair and Elissa left the Wardens.  

_When did they have a child?_ Valerie couldn’t recall the last time she’d heard anything from Cullen about Elissa and Alistair. _Have I been so unaware?_

Alistair safely on two feet, he lifted the child and carried her.

“No! Down, Papa. Down!”

Alistair grinned at Valerie. “After you greet the Lady Valerie, Aislinn. Would you say ‘hello’, please?”

Aislinn shook her head and buried it in her father’s neck. “Sorry! She’s two. I’m giving Lis a break, I hope it won’t be a problem. Eventually she’ll stop attempting to hide in my skin.”

Alistair’s energy was amazing to Valerie. He’d been so cynical, so wistful when they’d met. She had to ask what changed. “Alistair, how – you’re so happy.”

He bounced Aislinn in his arms. “Scary, isn’t it? I can attempt to be gloomy if you like, but this little one keeps me laughing.” Alistair placed Aislinn down on her feet and she skittered and hid behind him.  He looked down and then back at Valerie. “It seems we will be shy today. Would a hug be out of place?”

Valerie, still stunned by the changes in him, shook her head.

“Not you too?” He teased. “Well, when all this has run its course, Lis and I wish to thank you properly for what you did for us.” Alistair didn’t flinch when he touched her left arm. He pulled her into a crushing hug and then let her go as Aislinn tugged on his trousers.

She waived him down to where she stood and she whispered to him. “Ah. It seems Aislinn would like a hug from you too.” She saw concern cross his face. “Are you - all right if she does?”

Valerie knelt in front of Aislinn and the little girl smacked into Valerie’s chest. Valerie grunted from the impact. “She hugs like you, Alistair.”

Aislinn grinned as she pulled away and returned to her father, pleased with herself.

Valerie wondered if Bull might frighten Aislinn. As if he heard her thoughts, Bull called out to the group. Aislinn’s mouth dropped open as Bull joined them.  “Wow,” she said.

“I get that a lot, kid. My name is The Iron Bull. But you can call me Bull.” He smiled down at her.

Aislinn squealed and raised her hands to Bull.

“Oh no, not falling for that. Do you know how many times I’ve been asked to carry kids around?” Bull looked to Valerie and Alistair for help.

Valerie tried to hide her amusement behind a stern face. “Don’t want Aislinn to cry now do you?”

Bull sighed. “I get it. Watch the kid so the adults can talk, right?”

Coughing to hide his laughter, Alistair nodded. “Something like that. There’s a few bottles of Trevelyan Cider in the saddle bags if that’ll make up for it.”

“It’s a start,“  Bull looked down at Aislin and lifted her to sit on his shoulders. “Aislinn, is it? Please be gentle with the horns.”

Valerie led Alistair to the chairs on the porch. Alistair could keep an eye on Aislinn and they could talk.

Once seated, the two sat for a few minutes watching Aislinn pushing and pulling on Bull’s horns to get him to move where she wanted to go. “Sorry about that, I’ll apologize to Bull later,” watching his daughter giggle and shout directions to Bull proved entertaining.

Laughing, she pointed at the two. “He loves this as much as she is, don’t buy his cranky attitude. He’s been stuck with me for a while now.”

At her words, Alistair sobered. “When Cullen stopped writing, we thought . . . it doesn’t matter, I’m relieved to see you.”

 _Cullen stopped writing?_ Valerie wondered how she missed what was happening around her.  “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

Alistair leaned back in the chair looked out over the fields. “I received the first letter in Weisshaupt months after Adamant. Despite the lag between letters, we wrote each other often.”

Valerie didn’t know the letter writing dated back to the time of the Inquisition. She’d assumed it started after the Exalted Council. “Cullen wrote you after Adamant?”

Taking a long look at Aislinn and Bull both still enjoying their game, he continued. “Yes, I thought it strange at first. We hadn’t talked during my stay at Skyhold or after to my recollection, but when Lis returned we both enjoyed hearing from him.”

She wondered how Cullen had kept his correspondence a secret. To Valerie Cullen always seemed to be writing. She never thought he was corresponding with anyone. She smiled to herself and shook her head. _What else don’t I know about you, Cullen?_

Her smile was enough encouragement for Alistair to share more with Valerie. “You remind me of Lis, your determination and curiosity. Lis went through something dark when we first moved to Tantervale. She kept saying it was easier killing that Archdemon than attempting a normal life. I suspect you two would have tales to share. Maybe that’s the real problem here. You and Cullen don’t talk. I mean, you talk but not about what’s going on up in your head.”

There was truth to his comment. They talked, but never about the incident, never about the pain - it was always cursory, always skirting around the problem instead of looking at it.

“Lis – Elissa and me – she hid so much from me.” Alistair’s wistfulness returned as he reminisced. “She held so much inside her and I didn’t help, I mean, I couldn’t help. She’d stare off into nothing and then tease me to forget what I’d seen.” He shifted to face Valerie. “The nightmares, the screaming – how do you help someone through it? I didn’t know. I still don’t.”

She clasped his hand. “But you did, Alistair, you both came through together,” she nodded towards Aislinn.

The sheepish look on his face, the way he titled his head back and forth – did he mean to insinuate _they_ had problems?

Valerie stared at Alistair. “Are you trying to tell me you and Elissa have less than the perfect existence we all believe?”

Alistair laughed.” Is that what people think? What, we live in a perfect harmony and everything is all sparkly and wonderful with little fluffy bunnies running about? I mean, it is most of the time, not the bunnies, mind you, but what she’s been through, what _you’ve_ been through. You both carry a heavy burden. The best I can do for her is being there when she needs me, make her laugh and hold her when it seems too much.”

His words surprised her. “I always assumed -“

“What – we lived like the children stories all claimed? We fight, we make up. I like the making up quite a lot, the fighting part is not fun, but at least there’s no weapons involved.”

She stood and ran her hand through her hair. “It’s not how it is with Cullen, Alistair.“

“I read his letters. You are his whole world. You know, most times he would ask me how to help you. He thought I had might offer insight into you because of Elissa. Most of the time, Elissa was the one who replied to him. She told Cullen the best he could hope for was sunrise the next day with you next to him. If that happened, he should try again for the same thing the following day.”

 _One more sunrise_ , she thought, _oh Cullen, how I’ve messed up this life._

“I didn’t realize  he turned to you.” This was all new to Valerie.

“Well it’s true. As the letters kept coming, he stopped writing about the Inquisition, issues with the mages and Templars, and just wrote about both of you. He sent a five-page rant about you chasing after dragons without a helmet. I remember it not only because of the subject, but because Elissa could not stop laughing as I read it to her. We met Cullen when the Circle fell in Ferelden. He was a different person then, broken, bitter. _You_ changed that.”

“Alistair, I appreciate what you are trying to do. I worry about Cullen, but I’m no good for him like this,” she showed her left arm.

“I respect you Val, that’s why I’m sitting here trying to- well, I guess I don’t know what I am trying to do. Listen, saving all of Thedas? That was easy for you. Trying to move on afterwards is the real nightmare. So you want to wait until this is over when will that be? What will you miss because of it?”

Alistair stood. “If he’s anything like me and if you look at us, there are similarities - the Templar thing, the chase after the hero thing; perhaps he is like me and how I feel about Elissa.”

Valerie agreed, there were similarities, but she believed Cullen and Alistair were very different. Valerie couldn’t imagine Alistair as overprotective as Cullen had been.

“If Lis was where you are now, I’d be rash and stupid and try to do everything for her. That’s not who she is, and _it’s not who you are_.”

The admission surprised her, and she wondered if there was a way back for her and Cullen.

Aislinn barreled into Alistair and then climbed the chair behind him. “All done?” He looked into his daughters face. She rubbed her nose to his and settled in to rest. Valerie looked to Bull and caught his gesture towards the house. He needed a break.

“I will say just a little more before I end this part of our conversation. Cullen loves you. I think he lost sight of _you_ in his desire to help. It’s not an easy place to be to see your love in such pain and feel powerless to do anything.  His actions are because he can’t think rationally around you.”   

She tilted her head towards him and whispered, “Are you speaking on behalf of all ex-Templars who fell for the hero?”

“All two of us,” he muttered as his skin flushed, “yes, well what can I say. Maker help us both, we’re just not that bright.” 

Valerie sighed. “Quite the opposite, I’m afraid.” She admired him and Elissa for everything they’d been through and still stayed together. “Do you think it’s possible to live a normal life after-“

Alistair squeezed her hand. “Yes. I believe it. It won’t change overnight. The nightmares will still come, the fear is still there but Elissa isn’t the Hero of Ferelden just as you aren’t the Inquisitor. You’re Valerie.”

Looking around the farmstead, he smiled. “I can see the appeal of this place; the house and Orchards are incredible, busy. This makes sense for Cullen.”

He was right. Cullen chose this home for them. Her parents offered them several possibilities, Valerie held a few different properties here and in Ferelden, but this is where Cullen made their home.  She frowned thinking on how she did nothing to help in that dream. _I intend to correct that error._

Alistair caught her change in expression and changed the subject.  “I’ve monopolized this visit long enough, if I  understand Elissa’s instructions that I brought many treats – shall we?” Offering his hand to her, Valerie stood and found herself pulled in for another crushing hug. Before he let her go he whispered, “I’m so very proud to know you, Valerie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments, insights and continuing to read.


	24. 16 Justinian - Cullen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Leliana arrive at their destination. Cullen soon learns a misunderstanding has sent his home near Ostwick into chaos.

 

 

16 Justinian – Cullen

_Tevinter in a single word is hubris.  The arrogance is thicker than air here.  I wonder if Leliana had disclosed our destination in advance if I would have been so agreeable to ~~escort~~ accompany her. I admit my impressions of Leliana have changed. We encountered adversaries more than once on our ride, and Leliana dispatched them even before I could ready my sword. The Spymaster is far more cunning and hides her skills well. Apart from the few attacks we endured, only one event threatened to halt our progress. The helpfulness of others. _

The pair waited in an antechamber for Dorian to greet them. Leliana shared the news of Alistair and Elissa’s desire to spend time with Valerie.

“Please tell me you did not send Alistair and Elissa to visit Val. She knows nothing of their little one,” he ran his hand through his hair and held back a sigh, “when will everyone stop trying to help?”

She did not match Cullen’s agitation and instead replied in her usual calm. “A visit might be a pleasant change, Cullen.”

The person emerging from inside Cullen disturbed him. He’d lashed out at Cassandra and he wanted to do the same to Leliana. His growing anger at those around him was not who he wanted to be.  Taking a deep breath to settle his irritation he shook his head. “It might be a pleasant change, but it could prove a setback to all Valerie has accomplished.”

Leliana pulled her head back; on the defense from Cullen’s mild accusation, she crossed her arms. “A setback – how would this be a setback?”  She watched the physical struggle of a man trying to control his anger. He unclenched his hands and stretched them wide, another deep inhale and exhale preceded his reply.

“What if the child reacts to her arm? What then? Not only do you risk Valerie’s growing confidence, be you reinforce her biggest fear – that she is not whole.”

The door to the antechamber opened and Dorian scanned the room settling on Cullen’s sour expression. “Oh wonderful, this should prove interesting. Cullen, as grateful as I am for your presence you will need to hide your gloominess. Apparently, a pair of visitors caused quite a stir in your home.”

Cullen stood, scraping the chair along the floor in his haste. He pointed at Leliana, “This is what I feared and why I ask that no one else attempt to be _helpful_.”

Dorian stood between the two. “My dear, there is a page just outside the door, he will escort you to your room, I would like to talk with Cullen in private.”

Cullen did not meet her eyes as she spoke. “Our conversation is concluded, so I shall say good night.” Leliana left without another word.

Dorian pushed Cullen back into the chair shaking his head. “You were harsh and you know it. I’m surprised at you, Cullen. You will apologize in the morning to Leliana.”

“Is that right and why will I apologize? She had no right to arrange a surprise meeting as the result did not have the desired effect.” Cullen tried to stand, but a forceful hand kept him seated.

Alistair and his daughter stayed through the late afternoon with Valerie and enjoyed their time together. A few tears shed by Aislinn turned into a promise for another visit. Alistair planned to meet Fergus Cousland at the harbor in Ostwick that evening and accompany him back to their home.

Cullen listened to Dorian recount the news of the visit, confused. “If all went well – what happened?”

A knock on the door interrupted their conversation. “You need this more than I do, excuse me.” Dorian opened the door and returned with a bottle and two cups. “Deplorable, using common cups for this vintage, but in this case – I don’t care.”

Dorian went to work opening the bottle and pouring the wine. “I won’t bother with the specifics of this label, you'll have to trust me. What went wrong was _after_ the guests departed. It seems Bull mistook Valerie’s happiness for the thought of having a child of her own.”

Cullen slumped into the chair in full understanding of what took place. Valerie possessed strong notions regarding children and often dismissed any attempt to discuss the topic. She did not believe herself as capable of raising a child and Cullen did not press her. “I understand. Valerie enjoyed the visit and Bull assumed  the reason for her happiness and now she’s upset.”

“Oh Cullen,” Dorian said, “you have a gift for understatement.”  He reached into his cloak and pulled out a sending crystal. “I am afraid there’s more. Valerie kicked him out. Bull is in the village and I’m hoping the right words might heal this enough for him to return and apologize.”

 The crystal’s light pulsed in slow intervals at first, increasing in brilliance and speed until it glowed.

“It’s about fucking time, Dorian!” Valerie’s voice, sharp and biting burst out of the crystal.

A gentle pat on Cullen’s shoulder meant to calm him, but Dorian did not know what more he could do. He pointed towards the bottle on the desk and left the room. 

“Answer me!”  He cringed, so many memories of fits of anger from Valerie set his heart pounding. He considered drinking the wine in his cup. Cullen decided against it, setting the cup on the desk – wine untouched.

He picked up and held the crystal in his hand. Taking a deep breath, he prepared for the worst. “Val, it’s not Dorian. It’s me.”

 


	25. 16 Justinian - Valerie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neither Cullen nor Valerie have ever completely trusted in the use of magic, but now their only link to one another rests in a magical object.

 

16 Justinian - Valerie

_“Val, it’s not Dorian. It’s me.”_

Unprepared, Valerie froze at the sound of his voice.  Every part of her - wound tight from her neck down could not manage the sudden break in her emotions; she shuddered and dropped to the floor.

Again, Cullen’s voice emanated through the crystal. “Val? Valerie?”

Her breath caught for a moment. Words flooded from memories, triumphs, emotions, thoughts - all of it at once and she struggled to speak. “Cullen?” Valerie pulled herself up and dropped into a chair.

She heard relief in his next words. “Thank the Maker. . .“

A strange silence fell between Valerie and Cullen, separated not only in distance but also in fear - neither wanting to say the wrong words but both still trying to reach out to the other. “I don’t know what to say,” he breathed.

Valerie held her breath until her chest hurt. Finding her voice, she called out to him, “Cullen, will you stay with me?”

“Always,” he replied.

The two sat together as a calm settled between them. Valerie spoke first. “Alistair was here. He brought his daughter, Aislinn.”

“I was told as much.” Cullen’s voice sounded strange to her, mechanical.

“Then, you didn’t know. I spent the time talking with Alistair, Aislinn hugged me and then sort of . . . latched onto my leg when it was time for her to go.” Valerie’s voice trailed off.

 “You enjoyed the time with Alistair?”

She nodded and then realized he wasn’t in the room. “I just nodded. I thought you were here with me.”

“I am, in a way, Val. Tell me more about the visit with Alistair?”

She grinned at the soft and comforting tone he used. She imagined him talking,  tilting his head to the right. She often wondered if he was even aware of the change in posture. Valerie picked up the crystal and walked up the stairs as she talked. “His hair is long and he has this…beard.”

She grinned as soft chuckle from him preceded his question. “You don’t like beards?” 

To her surprise, the tease rolled easily from her. “On you, I might." Embarrassed she coughed and returned to discussing the visit.  "But Alistair seemed so. . . happy.” She climbed into bed and set the crystal on the small bedside table.

“So he had a beard, long hair and was _happy_? I don't know what to say, how _awful_.”

Cullen was teasing her. The shift from his serious self to the playful man she remembered fueled her laughter and he soon joined her in her delight.

Their laughter continued as she spoke and shared everything, from the strange arrival to the tearful departure of two-year old Aislinn. “It was a wonderful visit, Cullen. I wish you could have been here to enjoy it with me.”

 “You’re sharing it with me now,” he said, “but I wish I could have been with you, too.”

Valerie admitted to the argument with Bull.

_“Well, that was fun.” Bull rolled his eyes._

_Valerie wasn’t buying his annoyed act. “Don’t even try it, Bull. We watched you both, you had as much fun as she.” She grinned as he turned away. “I knew it! Thank you, Bull. Your play time sacrifice was appreciated.”_

_“She’s a smart kid, Val. Didn’t talk out loud, but she whispered. . .a lot.” Bull grinned. “Fine, I had fun. Happy?”_

_“I really enjoyed today, thank you.” Valerie watched him stare back at her several times. “What is it? Is something else?”_

_“Well, its not too late, Val,” Bull offered, “you can have this kind of life if you want – if Cullen does too.”_

_Her expression melted into a frown. “Don’t. I’m not having this discussion.”_

_Sighing he sat across from her. “Look, you can do this-“_

_She narrowed her eyes as her anger bloomed. Bull lecturing her about children and ruining her good day fed her aggravation. “Enough. Leave it.” She pushed away from the table and moved towards the stairs._

_Bull followed her. “Val, you deserve to live your life or raise a family.”_

_“What do you think is going to happen? Do you think Cullen will return and everything will be perfect? That we’ll stand around baking cookies and making babies for the rest of our days? Wake the fuck up, Bull! I can bathe, dress and feed myself. That’s as good as it’s ever going to get. How am I supposed to protect a life with one arm?”_

_“The self-pity is fucking annoying. Val, you can do anything you want to do, stop being a victim and be who you are!” Bull stopped._

Valerie stopped recounting the events and explained how she pushed Bull out into the night. “Cullen,  I’ll find him tomorrow in the village. I’m sure that’s where he went.”

His silence concerned her. Valerie admitted to overreacting to Bull’s words and feared Cullen’s disapproval. “Cullen, are you angry with me?”

His reply was immediate. “No, Val. I’m not angry.”

Valerie wanted to ask him so many questions, but instead she blurted out,  “I miss your face.”

She heard a deep sigh from him and worry and concern took control of her. Valerie couldn’t stop the flow of words. “I don’t blame you for leaving me. This is all my fault. If I’d tried, or listened.“

“Val,” Cullen interrupted.

She continued, “Everything you did for me, the well, the clothes, the house - I ignored it. I failed you, and more importantly I failed myself. I’m so ashamed, Cullen. You deserve so much more.”

Cullen’s voice cut through her speech louder than before, “Val, let me speak.”

She sat up and her rant intensified, “I fucked up, Cullen. I always have when it comes to you and now you’re leaving-“

“Maker’s breath, if you would hush for one _bloody_ moment!” Cullen’s voice pierced through her.

Startled by his severity she clutched a pillow to her chest.

“Now, it’s my turn and you will listen.” Cullen’s harsh tone softened, “I am _in awe_ of your accomplishments and your determination. I am not leaving you, Val. Make no mistake, you are. . .”

The crystal’s light darkened and her link terminated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	26. 17 Justinian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crystal's connection severed, Valerie seeks Cullen in the journals of the past.

 

_I would rather submit to a full day of standing in my small clothes in a leech-infested lake than to attend another event at the Trevelyan home. Val was not to blame. She – I hope – had little choice but to allow me to be paraded around like some prized trinket amidst all those gathered._

“I remember that night,” she laughed, “I’m still amazed he didn’t run away screaming.” Valerie stared at the crystal waiting for the familiar light to return. She wondered if they’d talked too long, or if someone interrupted Cullen. After waiting in silence, she realized the calm he’d given her dissipated far too much for her to rest. While she waited for sleep to claim her, she had searched through Cullen’s journals to keep connected with him.

Valerie had gotten a taste of his voice, his presence and needed more. She’d made a small pile of books to keep her company until sleep or the morning found her.

She skimmed a few lines further and picked up the story once again.

_________________________

_Cullen stiffened as Valerie adjusted the dress uniform. She’d convinced him to wear a dress uniform rather than the garish clothes the nobles normally wore to her mother’s affairs. Rather than the red uniform he had to endure on other occasions, Cullen stood before her in a dark blue. The color held more black than blue and the contrast deepened the richness of his eyes.  She’d been so overwhelmed when he emerged she was unable to find the will to tease him as was her usual._

_Staring in the mirror together, he straightened his posture a little more. “I must admit, I do like the color, Val. It’s not as – what’s the word I’m looking for here?” Cullen asked._

_“If you are referring to your description of the red dress uniform . . . let’s see you’ve used atrocious, awful, appalling - take your pick, Cullen. I’m sure if we didn’t need to join the party, you could work your way through every letter of the alphabet.”_

_Chuckling, a slight flush tinged his cheeks. “Yes, well . . . I like this. Thank you.”_

_“Oh no, not my doing, this was mother’s idea. Last chance. We can hop out the window and make a break for the stables right now. I might be a bit slow in this poof of a dress, but I can still run.” She grinned into the mirror as he laughed._

_“You are a vision, Valerie. Stay close, I’ll protect you,” he whispered._

_She winked into the mirror before shifting around to face him. “I’m afraid it is you who will need my protection. Looking as you do, you’re sure to be the center of attention. Never mind our triumphs in the Inquisition.”_

_His hand stretched to lift her chin. “This is for you, love. No one will pay attention to me.”_

_A soft knock on the door behind them did not wait for a response. Lady Melisende cleared her throat as she entered.  “Perfection,” she said approaching them, “you will escort me down to the foyer, Commander. Valerie, you may follow whenever you are ready.”_

_Valerie whispered in his ear. “Last chance, out the window and to the stables.”_

_“Do not let Valerie to tempt you, Commander. I am well versed in all the little escape routes and tricks used by my children over the years. I assure you, there is no escape.”_

_“Y-y-yes, of course, wouldn’t dream of it, Lady Trevelyan.” Cullen swallowed hard and his shoulders tensed._

_Valerie’s exaggerated sigh cut his tension. “Cullen, Mother has a peculiar sense of humor; she forgets not everyone understands she is attempting to be humorous.”_

 She closed the journal on the floor and grabbed another. The party was before the Exalted Council, and not what she was hoping to read. “I need to know when it changed, Cullen. Where are those books?”

 _The spare room,_ she thought. Cullen told her he’d moved there months prior.  Hurrying down the stairs, she entered the small guest room and searched the armoire. The pile of journals sat on a shelf, arranged in simple perfection, his memories tucked away on the blank bound pages, covered in a green tinted fabric cover.

She picked a random book and brushed her hand along the face. A silent debate raged within her until the book opened and she read the first page.

_In my life, I have faced the darkest hearts and the brightest souls to walk among the living. I must decide. Do I continue knowing the difficulties ahead of her? Could I leave her over an imperfection of the body? Is she not my Valerie? Dorian continues to lecture me on the nature of love and commitment. What he cannot understand is simple reason. I know of my obligations as a husband. What I feel for her is not an obligation. I committed to her long before I assumed the title of husband._

_Even now, I sit alone in this room instead of with her. I cannot deny the urge to leave rushes over me in wave after wave of fear and uncertainty.  I am not the mantle I have worn these years. Strength is an illusion. Love is intangible. Every moment I sit and wonder what I should do is a lost moment to her. Therefore, I will stay, not for her, nor for me alone,  but for us together and pray that we both find a way to continue._

Valerie faced a dilemma. If she continued to read Cullen's journals, she could no longer hide behind the blanket of avoidance she'd wrapped around herself for so long. He'd given her the opportunity to share in his thoughts. She closed her eyes and nodded, accepting not only his offer, but the burden he had carried alone. Opening the book clutched in her hand, she sat down and read. 

 


	27. Page 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie reads through Cullen's journal pages.

_What troubles me most are the changes only I seem to see. Who is blind? Those who wish to spin tales around her for a false smile and contrived laughter? The word fine is lie. It is a fabrication, a dismissal from her, but those around us wrap the lie in pretty bows and call it a good day._

_When she sinks against me at night and cries - this is the truth. The façade she erects in the presence of others so stifling she dissolves into tears and nightmares – this - this is where I must learn to live._

_I know something of the loneliness and despair, the self-loathing and desire to silence the pain lodged so deep within oneself that only in death could one truly be free._

_She lifted my life from that darkness in giving me purpose and direction. Long before I believed in the truth of what I felt, she allowed my mind to wander to places where I was not broken and could focus my efforts to what mattered most.  She trusted in my words and in my guidance._

_Would that it were so simple now._


	28. Page 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another journal page reveals more of Valerie's missing time.

_I won’t let you fall._

_I repeated the same handful of words so many times today. I won’t let you fall._

_The constant stream of attendants and people is too much for her.  The scream that drew me to her, led me to find my fearless warrior panicked with wide eyes and deliberate breathing, shattered apart as she crumpled to the floor. . . unhinged someone inside of me I did not know existed._

_I should have stopped and said nothing, but instead raised my voice in anger and sent the swarm of attendants scurrying like frightened animals._

_I offered an escape – a momentary diversion in as many hours as she could stand. The route was simple; she’d shown me the path from her room to the stables used during childhood seeking games between siblings._

_His name: Orvyn, Aidan’s horse. I feared for her safety; the beast was wild and angry. After the conclave, Aidan never returned and Orvyn had been left alone. I admit to deep concern as he lashed out at the ground pounding his hoof and snorting at all of us for disturbing him.  A single touch from her to his flank and he stilled as something passed between them. She wanted to escape and he would carry us._

_She waited until we left the grounds to turn around and face me. When she was settled, the horse broke for open ground; his anger and frustration exploded in his frantic run. The nails on her hand dug through my clothes to my skin._

_I won’t let you fall. I promised her repeatedly as Orvyn rode hard out into the open. Her sobs against my chest and the snorts from Orvyn told the same story. Both hurt, both unable to speak. It fell to me to stop the run for I feared the horse might injure himself._

_Orvyn calmed and carried us back to the estate, but she made me promise to take him with us._


	29. Page 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Valerie continues to read through Cullen's words, she learns of his experiences.

_She lived, that is what matters. One of the many phrases tossed at my feet like flowers at a grave. The gesture has no meaning to the interred, only for the one leaving it there. She lived? I admit I do not have knowledge of the inner workings of human bodies, but I believe it is her heart and breath that determines life. She lives. She breathes. She smiles, although at times I can see the action is forced and foreign, like the flowers it has no meaning for her, interred in her own mind, it is a meaningless gesture meant for me._

_Alistair warned me of the dark times. Elissa cried as much as one breathes in a day, he said. He told me the weight of her actions would bury her in uncertainty and he was helpless to do naught but let her find him when she needed a lifeline again. Years, he said._

_Years. Alistair is a much stronger man than I. But he too offered flowers at my feet. If you truly love her, you must embrace the worst of her along with the best and ask yourself one question: would she do the same for you? If you know she would walk through the Fade and back to save you or face an oncoming horde to aid in your escape, you have your answer._

_I have my answer. She soothed every nightmare. She dove into my lake to bring me a perfect stone. She alone helped me find what was real. I have my answer and know what I must do._


	30. Page 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valeries shares in Cullen's fears and anger through his journal entries

_I find myself appalled at the anger and resentment that pours out of me as others attempt to tell me what is wrong with her. What is wrong is obvious. They cannot know her mind. I try. But a question seems to have one meaning when I speak and another entirely as she hears it._

_She apologizes for no reason. I’m sorry. What does it mean? I ask her why she is sorry, and she responds like a child who cannot understand reason. Her mind has always been strong and focused. She sees so much around her, but this – I would do better to talk with the village children about their playtime than to have my wife tell me what she is thinking._

_I have lived in cramped quarters, dark rooms and never felt as restrained and confined as I do today. Working in the open fields I can still feel the weight of her constricting my steps. _

_Forgive me, Val. two months. two months in our new home and I don’t know how to keep going._

_Perhaps the fault lies with me. I admit to a certain expectancy of how my life would be with her. My days are nowhere close enough to those dreams I held. I now believe I was mistaken about a great many things about my nature. I miss the constant interruptions and the noise that once drove me to distraction. Even now, she is but steps from me and I am still alone. Silence is a nuisance._

_I read the letters that arrive aloud to her, even though she could do so herself, she chooses not to. I can think of no other way to anchor her to this life. Orvyn and I ride daily; I can see Aidan in Orvyn’s temperament. When we ride, he is unreserved and loves to push himself until he tires. With her, Orvyn is patient and gentle -not unlike what I knew of her brother._

_There is no simple solution, other than to walk away._

_I tried to free Orvyn today; I took him close to the place where the wild horses roamed near the river. He wouldn’t go. It was wrong of me to try to force him to leave; perhaps he is the more intelligent of the two of us. He’ll stay in her company even if she ignores him, much like her brother._

_Valerie is not a problem. There is no potion, no magic, and no philosophy that can fix her. It is maddening to see her withdraw from life and yet, I can do nothing. She must find her way. Alistair contends I must not interfere in her grief; offer my arms to hold her and a place to rest. He insists it is she who will wake to this life as Elissa did. Six months and Valerie does not wake. She sinks deeper into herself._

_I am still hesitant to bring Ajax back with me. The mabari is headstrong and doesn’t always behave as he should. I tried to ask if she would enjoy his company, perhaps his presence might lift her spirits now and again. She left the decision to me. AJ is well cared for and for now is better off at the estate until she is ready. I cannot help wondering if it is wrong of me to resent that I must make sacrifices with no acknowledgement from her. I wonder if she will ever know what others have done for her or if she even cares._

_How long will it take before I join her?_


	31. Page 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another journal page reveals the depth of Valerie's ordeal

_The nightmares. The screams. I am losing my sanity in her pain. I can feel it crushing my skull each time I am ripped from my sleep. She fights me as if I cause the visions in her head. When panic takes control of her, she cannot breathe and I fear each time to lose her. Why such suffering? What purpose can it serve? Forgive me, but I question the wisdom and the motive of the Maker to torment her so. She has earned the right to rest and still this darkness from within her mind consumes her._

_I will force myself to sit up and write until I hear the calm return to her. Forcing myself to watch over her takes its toll, but I must. I fear she will fall victim to the evil that claims her soul in sleep and I, for all my faith, cannot save her._

_I fear this bitterness as it grows inside me. This other wife has taken the woman I love; taken the future I planned for us both and shattered it in her desire for solitude and darkness. It is for the other I have found a strong dislike festering in my head. The other wife is cruel and knows how to wound with foul tempered words and I dread when she appears. I cannot abandon Valerie. Why does she not try? She has never been weak of mind and of heart. Why does this dour and angry woman take control of her? _

_I wonder now if it is my perception that leads me to question her. Am I too helpful, should I remain silent when she screams at me? Do I leave her to her tirades or soothe her?_

_Am I losing the man I am to become someone who no longer matters to her? What concerns me now is the day when I will no longer hold my tongue. The urge to leave is a temptation of release I must resist._


	32. Page 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie finds the one journal entry she dreads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: This entry mentions Valerie's attempted suicide.

_I am a fool. This is my second day without sleep. I need help and fear there is none who can. Valerie. I don’t even know what to write. I destroyed the door with an ax. Had I not ~~she would have.~~ I can’t write the words here. ~~Selfish~~. She is asleep only due to a sleeping draught from the village herbalist. I will not lie and pretend I never wanted the same for so long but I cannot say how the dream of final sleep left me, but it did. ~~She~~ How did I let it go so far? What did I miss? _

_The dagger in her hand. It was there. This was no dream, I grabbed it from her and she struggled. Struggled against me to finish what she had set out to do. Why? What am I doing wrong? She screamed as I touched her, held her and tried to calm her. She didn’t know me. How? How could she not know me? When Val returned and looked into my face, the force of her recognition –even now it rips through my soul. She clutched at me as though she were drowning. I saw hopelessness and it will haunt me because I did nothing to stop it._

_One more sunrise. Elissa’s words but my plea to Val. Give me tomorrow. I’ll find a way to get us through. Give me tomorrow. I vow here, in my own words - I’ll get us through. One more sunrise. Give me tomorrow, Val. No more declarations of love – meaningless words to her. One more sunrise. That will be our promise. Give me tomorrow and I will do the same._

Valerie exhaled and wiped her face. “I’m sorry isn’t enough, Cullen.” She gathered the journals and returned them to their resting place patting the topmost book before closing the armoire door.

Dressing in her travel clothes took longer than Valerie expected, but she had to do this now. The sun’s light peaked through the window as she wrestled with the pack. “I’ll need help. Bull first, then the pack.”

She’d need to apologize to Bull and hope he agreed to the plan brewing in her head. “He won’t, but I’ll try anyway.”  

The next obstacle she faced was climbing in to the saddle.

“Enough of this crap.” She dragged a chair out the front door and back towards the barn. Orvyn’s restlessness met with her smile. “I’m done being helpless, Orvyn. Fuck it.” She moved the chair next to him and he settled. Val took her time and placed the saddle on him with some difficulty, but Orvyn’s patience helped her while she struggled with the straps. Standing on the chair in the barn, she climbed into the saddle. “See, I can do it.” Orvyn snorted. “So I cheated, I need to apologize to Bull, let’s go.”


	33. 18 Justinian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian confronts Cullen about his decision concerning Valerie.

 

18 Justinian – Cullen

“A moment please, Cullen, I’m trying to wrap my head around what you’re telling me,” Dorian leaned back in his chair, his eyes fixed on Cullen’s dour expression.  “ _You_ terminated the link? I thought your conversation was lovely – isn’t that what you just said?”

Hands raked through mussed hair as Cullen’s head bowed down in a slight gesture of defeat. “Yes, talking with Val – the spark I once knew, Dorian it was there, but the smallest word and she’d fade again.” Cullen shook his head in his hands. “I can’t Dorian. I can’t go back.”

Dorian said nothing. He could see the effect of the past year. Cullen’s weight loss was evident, his leaner frame a mix of stress, sleep deprivation and increased labors had ravaged the once robust man before him. He no longer shaved, and the meticulous attention to his appearance had all but disappeared.

“Forgive me, I spoke without thinking. I cannot imagine what you must think of me.” Cullen rubbed his face still refusing to meet Dorian’s eyes. “Please understand, I love her more than anyone could comprehend. . . but when the _other_ surfaces, her attacks are vicious, cruel and more than I can shoulder for the both of us.”

Dorian leaned closer, “who is the _other_ – do you mean Valerie?” Cullen’s state of mind concerned him. If he’d separated from Valerie in his mind, then attempting to talk was a useless endeavor.

Sighing, Cullen’s tone disturbed Dorian, “I sound quite mad to you, I see it on your face.”

The frown on Dorian’s face and his furrowed brow surprised Cullen. “You’ve hidden yourself away from anyone who would listen and now you sit and proclaim you are done?” Dorian’s eyes held Cullen’s in a piercing gaze, “When did you become so _weak_?”    

Cullen reeled back in his chair. “Weak? How do you dare? You think to judge me? You, _my friend_ sit here in your twisted and corrupted splendor and dare to judge _my_ life?”

“The Cullen I know would not give in to adversity,” Dorian rose and moved about the room, his voice rising in volume. “The Cullen I know would have found strength to endure and work towards a solution.” He turned, gripping the back of the chair, “the Cullen I know would not have given up his home, his love and himself. Damn it Cullen, fight for what you want!”

“Fight? Fight who? To what end?” A scornful laugh followed, “Dorian, this _ridiculous_ image of me you and Cassandra seem to hold is not who I am.”

Dorian stalked to Cullen’s side and gripped his shoulder, “You’re full of shit.” His features softened but his grip tightened. “I’ll risk Leliana’s wrath. As your friend, get as far away from all this as you can.” Releasing Cullen’s shoulder, he turned towards the window. “Bull agrees with me, Valerie has her confidence, her inner fire – that which makes her strong. However, she is not prepared to lead, fight or serve.”

Cassandra would not accept the assessment, she insisted on Valerie’s preparations. “Then why send Bull, why not refuse?” Cullen searched Dorian’s face for understanding.

“I fear I cannot speak for Bull, except for what I have been told. A mission, I know few details as I was not present, is the reason for Bull’s willingness to help Valerie.” Dorian continued, “Valerie did what was best for Bull and to hear him tell it, he can never repay the debt and that is why he fights for her now – when no one else would.”

Cullen shook his head, slow and deliberate. “You are wrong. I fought for her. All of you, her friends, disappeared. Not one of you, _not one_ , came to see her.” Cullen did not break eye contact, “your lives continued on while hers stopped. My family offered help, but those who benefitted from her, those who lived because of her – vanished.”

“Cullen-“

Leaning forward, Cullen sought to relieve the burden he’d carried. “No, I hold none of you responsible, but you will listen. I lived for her. Everything I did was about Valerie and somehow in the midst of what I thought was caring for her, I lost myself.” Rubbing his face with his hands, he continued, “the one mistake those who have tried to help or offer advice fail to understand is a basic fact; this is not an illness she will recover from, Dorian. The arm and hand will never grow back, her entire life changed.”

“Cullen, we -I am aware the limb will not return, but to hear you describe Valerie, it’s more than a little disturbing and I have to wonder how much is your perception and how much is real.”

The wrinkle on Cullen’s forehead, the scrunched brows and clenched jaw were involuntary reactions to Dorian’s words. “So it’s not that you do not believe me, my friend, you seek perspective?” Cullen dropped a clench hand on the table, “as you wish.”

_I cannot remember the last time I slept a full night. Conditioning myself to wake long before her to be alert when she wakes has become my priority. I realized this morning as I endeavored to cook that I had not eaten the day before. This explains my current fatigue. The tasks I had set aside for her to do will go undone unless I take it upon myself to complete them. Water drawn, bath prepared I allow a few precious moments of my time to take care of myself. I dare not relax, if she wakes and finds no response to her calls, she will panic._

_These attacks, for I can find no better word to describe the nature of what happens to her, intensify faster if she believes I am no longer with her. I know them well. A headache starts at the back of the head, sweating, eyes become unfocused as the pain intensifies. Fear takes the lead and breathing quickens faster and faster until the air becomes solid and no longer fills your lungs._

_This is a good day. Entering the bedroom, I can tell she is content, no tears, no frown. Some days I prefer the emotion to these sterile mornings. Fear of a blank heart and mind will drive me to engage her. She hands me a book, one of her favorites. ‘Read to me, please?’ her voice, not her own, is fragile._

_A book of poems I gave her, a fool’s idea of support and understanding to give another’s words hoping to offer some sort of healing. She asks for her favorite._

_I sing the sun in flight, ‘cross the dreary sky_

_Dark clouds hold me tight, no remedy will I try._

_Rage not at the blameless sun, I swear the fault is mine_

_My heart forgets the melody, it diminished over time._

_Sing the song instead for me and remember ever part_

_Bring back the light and warmth, to rouse my weary heart._

_Her tears are soundless, but I know they fall. If I were to lay a single finger on her in this moment, she would sob. An act of comfort brings her sorrow. An act of comfort from me seems to bring her pain._

“Dorian, can you imagine what I feel? If I try to console her she cries if I am not with her she panics; and yet when I am with her she screams and yells. I don’t know who I will face minute to minute. I am not weak, Dorian. I am shattered and drained. There is nothing more to give than what I have given.” Cullen sank bank into his chair.

His earlier bravado forgotten, Dorian’s soft words answered. “I. . . don’t know what to say. Accept my sincere apology, my friend. I did not know.” Dorian continued, “Cullen, what if Valerie’s words are true? What if she has found a way out? Will you at least try?” His words were honest his hope evident to Cullen.

“The words you want to hear, Dorian, I am afraid I cannot say them,” Cullen stood and retrieved something from the desk. Sliding it across the table, Cullen removed his hand to reveal the sending crystal. “Keep this safe, I won’t be using it again.”

 

 

 


	34. 22 Justinian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie's journey to find Cullen begins. Plagued by delays and difficulties, she explains her motivations to continue.

 

 

22 Justinian

“No. Not a chance, Val. I like my body parts where they are.” Bull paced the kitchen shaking his head and throwing out his arms in disagreement. “Let me explain something to you. If I take you to Orlais-“

She huffed and cut him off.  “Tevinter, not Orlais, why would I want to go to Orlais when Cullen is in Tevinter?”

Bull opened his mouth to fire back and thought better of it.  His head nodded a few times as he tried to formulate the best thing to say. She wasn’t allowing him control any more. Valerie had shifted into her stubbornness that Bull once found attractive. Now, it irritated him to no end.  He couldn’t take her to Dorian and he didn’t want to deliver her to Cassandra either.  “Listen Boss, let’s talk about this. We'll travel to Alistair’s place for a few days, let me try to figure something out . . . get a message to Cullen.”

“Bull, you’re hiding something from me. No horseshit, what is it?” Valerie felt her pulse rise, the anger intensified by her need to find Cullen. She suspected something was wrong; it had to be for the crystal’s link to terminate. She’d spoken with Dorian several times, but Cullen was always in the midst of some meeting or involved elsewhere in the city. “I can go alone. I want your help Bull, I know I can’t do everything, but if I have to, I’ll do the best I can.”

Valerie would have to enlist her mother’s help; she’d need a ship, a crew and a few extra men to help her the rest of the way. Putting her plan together in her head, she returned to her room to test the pack’s weight.  The potions proved too heavy, if she wore her armor, plus the harness Bull gave her and took either the short sword or the short axe, she’d have a difficult time balancing herself.  Valerie dropped the pack on the bed. “There has to be a way.”

She heard Bull clear his throat and turned to face him.

“Val, I’ll take the stuff and watch your back, but we’re going to Orlais. The bird will let them know we’re on our way. Deal?” Bull would compromise rather than risk Valerie’s safety. “Cassandra’s going to have my ass over this.”

Valerie believed Cassandra would understand.  “Then get your gear, Bull, we’re leaving. Hopefully, Lady Melisende will give us a ship and we won’t have to steal it.” Val carried her pack down the stairs.

 _Steal a ship_ , Bull thought. “Hey, you’re just messing with me – right? Hey, Val? Seriously, we aren’t thinking about stealing a ship.” Bull could hear her laughter at the base of the stairs.

The elder Lady Trevelyan arranged for transportation, but delayed them another two days under the guise of gathering a more experienced crew.  When the ship left Ostwick, Valerie’s mood had darkened. When the ship docked in Kirkwall, Valerie decided she’d had enough.

Valerie stepped out onto the deck and staggered at the sight of the Twins. The gargantuan bronze statues flanked the channel, once a form of defense for the city, Valerie had vague memories of seeing them as a child. The last time she entered Kirkwall was not through the Waking Sea but from the land gate.

Bull caught sight of her staring at the twins. “We’re to wait in the channel, an hour or two. The ship has a delivery to make and then we can continue on the Val Royeaux.”

“I could have _walked_ faster Bull,” Valerie complained, “how is it we have cargo to deliver? It’s not that I think you’d lie to me, but I don’t believe it.”

He understood; it was true he delayed her in Ostwick. Bull had to be sure Cassandra received the message before they arrived. The delivery in Kirkwall had nothing to do with their departure. “Sorry Boss, this is a cargo ship, not a transport vessel. The harbormaster will come out to guide the ship in, unload the goods and then we can go.”

An hour passed without word until a small boat pulled alongside the ship. Valerie sat on the deck legs dangling over the side, wondering how every part of their journey so far could experience delays.  Bull’s laughter from across the deck grabbed her attention.  Valerie struggled a little to extricate herself from her space in the rails and a deckhand extended a hand – on her left side.

Quick to realize his slight, he apologized. “Apologies Lady Trevelyan, I forgot.”

She smiled, “thank you for forgetting.”  The simple act of receiving no special treatment from the deckhand felt incredible. She stood with some effort and wandered over to Bull. Hidden behind him a familiar dwarf grinned, “there you are!”

“Varric,” she tried to keep a stern look but failed.

“What no hug?” Varric’s teasing could only mean one thing – bad news.

Valerie guessed that Varric’s presence meant the wait would be far longer than an hour or two. “Let me guess, there’s a problem at the docks and we’ll be here a while.”

“Come on, Val. If I could push things along and get you on your way, I would. You’ll see on the way in, the loading area is a mess. It’ll take hours to set it right, so let me make it up to you. I’ve got a private ship that’ll be ready in about two hours to take you and Tiny on to Val Royeaux.”

Val’s time in Kirkwall passed with her lost in memories; sitting with Varric and Bull in the Hanged Man, she remembered Aidan’s pleas to her to take care of herself, find someone to care about and live. She smiled in quiet thought about her near miss with Cullen in the tavern.  Aidan had arranged the whole thing, inviting Cullen to meet them on her last night in Kirkwall. She realized it long after the fact, but Cullen’s account of that night remained one of her favorites.

_“I stood there watching you talk with Aidan. The way he smiled and laughed, I thought you were his. Then I watched as he took your hands and looked at them and at you. I saw such pain. I knew then you were the sister he spoke of so frequently, the Seeker. Val, you left that night and did not return. I looked for you for . . . days. I thought maybe we . . . might talk. When I finally built up enough courage, I asked Aidan about you and he told me that you needed to leave. When everything fell apart in Kirkwall, I guess I forgot.”_

Varric watched the smile bloom on her face and slid a mug across the table. “Thinking about Curly again? You know, I remember the story you told us – the near miss,  but I have to tell you something Val. He was even more uptight here in Kirkwall. You two met when it was time that’s my take on it.”

Nodding she reached out for Varric’s hand. “I need to find him, Varric. I feel like me again and he isn’t here. It’s not about needing to be with Cullen or anyone. I have no doubts about what I can and cannot do. This is about what I want.  I want to laugh because he forgets his pride and makes a silly face or says something ridiculous. I want to sneak around and scare him because he’s so damned focused on filling the water pitcher. If I can have one more morning - just one – where he reads to me; I don’t care if it’s the Chant or those silly calibration notes he refuses to discard, I just want one more day . . . and then I will let him go.”

 


	35. 29 Justinian - Cullen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen reflects on conversations with Dorian on the return to Val Royeaux.

29 Justinian - Cullen

Cullen and Leliana left Minrathous after completing the mission for Dorian. The return journey, free from incident or altercations allowed him time to reflect on their conversations.

_“Cullen, if marriage were this completion act you’ve held it to be – I fear it to be a complete bore. No one needs another to live. I’m not one to judge, but you’ve done yourself and Valerie a disservice if the only reason you married her was to feel complete or because it was the right thing to do.”_

_“You’re oversimplifying and prying, Dorian.” Cullen continued packing for his return to Val Royeaux._

_Leaning against the wall, Dorian closed his eyes for a moment._

_Cullen’s frustration mounted with Dorian’s silence. “I can tell you’re not going to let this go, so please explain. Enlighten me on what mistakes I have made.” Cullen put down the garment and looked at his friend._

_Waving Cullen’s attitude aside, Dorian answered Cullen’s forthcoming apology. “I know, forgive you . . .Cullen this constant need of yours to apologize every time you speak your mind is more than a little trying, speak plain. I might even respect you for it.” A quick flash of a grin and hint of a wink confirmed Dorian’s usual teasing. He pulled a chair and sat, feet propped on the table. “So tell me, why Val? She treated you like any other soldier when you met, knocked you out in a sparring demonstration to win, correct?”_

_Cullen remembered.  “_ My pride is more damaged than my head.”

“What can I do to make it up to you, Cullen?”

_It was true, the sparring match opened the door for them to converse, and they talked strategies and planned missions whenever Valerie was in residence.  “Dorian, you know the history, Kirkwall. . .she may not have remembered me, but Kirkwall-“_

_A dramatic eye roll and even more exaggerated sigh cut Cullen’s explanation off. “Cullen, you saw a pretty girl in Kirkwall, you followed her. She ran away before you could meet her. I regret to inform you, it was a chance meeting, not fate, not destiny.”_

_“I disagree. Perhaps if I’d been able to arrive sooner, or was less apprehensive about approaching her, maybe I could have. . .changed things.” Cullen reflected on his choice of words._

_“Ever the hero,” Dorian’s derisive tone permeated through his words, “you can’t save everyone, Cullen. It wasn’t your place to try to save Valerie. Not then and not now.”_

_“Why not? If you could have saved her all this pain, wouldn’t you?” Cullen asked._

_Dorian expected Cullen’s reaction. “You failed her? The great Commander failed to protect the one person who mattered most to him? Is that it - all of this self-reflection and unbearable self-pity is some form of punishment? How selfish of you. There is no schematic to follow in love, Cullen, no wall to breach, no enemy to fell.”_

_“You’re romanticizing, Dorian. I’m in no mood.” Cullen returned to his packing._

_Boots clattered to the floor and Dorian leaned forward. “Not I, my friend. You.”_

_“What?” Cullen’s brows knit together and his jaw set, a feeble attempt to hold back his ire._

_“You heard me. It is you who created this perfect vision of what everything should be – instead of accepting what it was – and accepting the person beside you.”_

The inn in Cumberland provided a last stop before returning to Val Royeaux.  Cullen checked on Leliana before turning in for the night; through a knowing grin, she assured him of her safety and recommended Cullen rest before the final leg of their journey. Dorian’s admonishment resurfaced as Cullen reached his room. “Leliana is more capable than most and yet I still felt compelled to check on her.” Cullen dropped into the chair at the small table, journal in hand.

_Dorian asked me why I married Val. It wasn’t the right thing to do. An impulsive reaction while stuck in Orlais. I thought of marriage often, far more than I should have. What could I offer? Nevertheless, there in the courtyard, surrounded by those we’d come to know, each of them preparing for their futures - I saw the end of our time. The Inquisition’s end played in my mind and I could not give her up._

_Dorian understood the truth. I am selfish._

_I accept my selfish need to hear her laugh and I admit to missing hours of rest listening to her breathe. How do I explain the feel of her hand in mine or how I know when she is near? Even focused on a task my ear seeks out the intake of breath as she prepares to speak._

_I loved her at the Gallows. Don’t ask me how. I care not for Dorian’s explanation. When she returned to me, my chance to follow her returned. If by the Maker’s grace or mere coincidence, I accept the reason._

_The road splits before me, I have but one chance to choose what is best. I must confess I pray Valerie will not accept the path Cassandra dictates for her. If I were to leave her - leave us - behind I could never return. The act itself would change me. I would return to full service to follow orders and perform as expected. It is a future I hoped never to see._

_It is the path to her I find concerns me most. Have our lives and hearts diverged so far that I should not dare to hope for one more sunrise?_


	36. 30 Justinian -Valerie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unable to wait for Kirkwall's shipping troubles to end, Valerie, Bull and Varric continue towards Val Royeaux.

30 Justinian

The troubles plaguing Kirkwall’s docks mounted until Varric offered horses and additional men for a land journey. Valerie, eager to make up time lost, accepted his offer.

Bull warned her not to play around; Valerie’s mount was larger and faster than Orvyn. When she slipped from the saddle and fell, seeing her lying still on the ground he feared the worst.

“Shit! Val! Hey, talk to me! Val!” Bull knelt over her to find her laughing. “You know what? I’m done. This is not funny.” He pushed off the ground to stand. “Since you’re not injured, get up. I can’t believe you took the horses over Varric’s ship. You’re not ready for this, Boss.”  His concern stemmed from a newfound recklessness, one Val hadn’t shown in years.

Varric leaned back in the saddle, “Relax Tiny, she fell. Shit happens. When did you get to be such an old woman?”

“My fault, Varric, apparently I’m a bit of a handful.” Dusting herself off, she smiled. “Bull, I promise I am fine. A little miscalculation on my part and I landed on my ass – no harm done. I’m so touched you care – give me a boost please and we can continue.”

He didn’t buy her story and crossed his arms before settling on his feet. “Not a chance. Convince me this was a miscalculation and I’ll consider it.”

She scoffed. “Bull, I leaned over because the stirrup was twisted and I didn’t think. I leaned to the right, and moved to grab the reins with my left hand . . . I forgot and I fell. I’m doing that less and less, but it _does_ happen.”

A slight grimace crossed his face. He knew of these moments, whenever she was focused on the task, she’d try to use her left arm or hand without forethought and the object would clatter to the floor.  “Fine, but slow down, I’m aging by the minute here.  I blame you, Varric.”

The dwarf held up his hands in mock surrender, “not this time, look to the lady. I’m just along for the ride and to get the hell of Kirkwall while everything gets sorted out. Watching you run around like a mother hen is more entertaining.”

Two days from Val Royeaux, Bull could no longer delay. Opting for inns and towns instead of camp sites added days to their travel. Varric’s decision to join them proved helpful, as it seemed every place they stopped, he was able to find lodging. Valerie had seen through the delays and sudden aches and pains the two would claim in order to stop and rest. She insisted on camp sites and would no longer entertain any delays other than required rest.

The sea on her left, in two days Cassandra would help her find Cullen. She, more than anyone, understood. Valerie’s shoulder and comfort given freely all those years ago cemented their bond as friends. Sad and embittered, Cassandra turned to Valerie when the darkness of their rooms allowed the mantle of strength to fall. Cassandra wanted to believe in love and championed Cullen whenever Valerie retreated.

Valerie complained when Bull and Varric set camp earlier than expected. “It’s two days; we can stick close to the coast and arrive a half day earlier.”

“Boss, sleep. That’s not a request or a suggestion. I’ll tie you to the fucking bedroll if I have to – now go.” Bull understood her excitement. He didn’t share it. Cassandra would make her offer and Bull could see the entire scene in his head.

Muttering to himself in front of the fire, Bull couldn’t help his concern. She’d broken through her depression. It was still there, probably wouldn’t ever go away; she found a way to get up every morning. “Problem is, if Cullen’s her reason and he’s not there…this is going to be a fucking mess.” 

  Varric looked up from his scribbling, “what’s that?”

 “Nothing, talking to myself. Forgot I wasn’t alone.”

“You’re still a shitty liar.” Varric waited.

Bull moved closer to Varric and explained the training he’d been asked to do, Cullen’s departure, the whispers of lyrium use, Cassandra’s plans – all of it. Several hours passed as the two discussed everything in hushed voices until their watch was relieved.

Every morning since leaving Kirkwall, Valerie woke before the others, often breaking apart her own tent and preparing for the next leg of their journey. Bull found it strange her tent remained and she was not waiting for them to prepare.  “Come on, Boss. It’s time to go.” Bull found Varric tying his pack to his horse. “Hey, Varric, have you seen Val?”

One of the guards from Kirkwall interrupted, “Lady Trevelyan left before dawn. She took two of the men with her saying something about being ‘done with this stuff’ only she didn’t say ‘stuff’.”

Bull shouted a five-minute warning to pack up and ride. “Hey Varric, do you think she overheard?” 

“Tiny,” Varric started, “when we find her, let me do the talking. Something tells me she’s not going to listen to a word you say.”


	37. 2 Solace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen spends his final days in Val Royeaux in reflection and planning for his return.

2 Solace

_I leave Val Royeaux in four days, having made perhaps the most difficult decisions in my life. To say the Divine is displeased with my conclusions is a substantial misstatement. While Leliana expressed her concerns, she seems to understand better than the other._

_I’ve agreed to continue the drills and training until my departure. I see no reason to cease the daily training regimen of the Divine’s forces. The need to build a viable army remains._

_I will need to retrieve Ajax from the Trevelyan estate; that is if AJ will follow me. If he is happy and content, I could not tear him away from the life he’s known this past year._

_In retrospect, I realized how many of those who are important to me endured my neglect. Family and friends will tell me there is no fault in the past, but they deserve attention._

_Strange dreams find me at night. A mix of memories and impossibilities force me to question my plans. I remember an Elven ruin, hidden in a vast forest. Trees wide as six men across reaching high into the heavens. Even now I can still smell the musty odor of wet mosses and damp earth; the air saturated and clinging announcing its intention to rain down at any moment._

_Alone I travel around trees and hulking roots covered in climbing vines and lotus blooms. They are her favorite._

_Valerie would never admit it, but I found her once, placing the bloom of a dawn lotus in bowl of water. She, mesmerized by its ability to spin atop the surface of the water, smiled until I found her. I regret the gentle teasing now as she did not repeat the practice again._

_Finding myself engrossed in the memory of the flower, the delight of a woman’s laugh almost goes unnoticed in this ethereal plane. Logic tells me I dream and the laugh I hear is not my Val, but I search for the source in case I am wrong. The Fade plays with one’s mind, and yet if it is her searching for me here, I am compelled to seek her._

_Her voice fades where the sign shines through the canopy of dense leaves and intensifies towards the darker park of the forest closer to the ruins.  She is there, hidden from the safety and warmth of the daylight. I stand alone faced with the choice of sunlit warmth and the hidden dark each with its reward._

_I wake before the choice is made. Even my dreams echo my uncertainties._

The day watch arrives to remind Cullen of the drills scheduled for the day. Tucking the journal into the desk drawer, he grabs his shield and sword to fulfil his promise to Cassandra.


	38. 2 Solace - Valerie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confusion, misunderstandings and a battle greet Valerie's arrival in Val Royeaux.

2 Solace – Valerie

“Lyrium!” Valerie’s rant reached its second hour as the party neared its destination. “Bull, I hope your information is wrong, otherwise I will be remanded to the prison for acts against the Chantry.”

Varric and Bull stopped responding to her arguments for fear of being included as one of the guilty.

“Does anyone even comprehend what the struggle to keep Cullen of lyrium was like? His constant need to be effective, the incessant prattling on about not fulfilling his duty. You couldn’t!” Valerie’s anger mounted the closer the horses brought them to the Villa serving as the Divine’s home.

The sounds of clashing swords and shouts traveled on the winds. Bull whistled to grab Valerie’s attention. “Boss, we’ve got a problem!” The party waited as Bull and Valerie assessed the sounds and strategized. “Stay here and let us take care of this. I know you don’t want to hear this, Boss, but you really-“

Valerie took off before Bull could finish. Valerie tried to assess the sounds despite her mounting fears. Her balance would be a factor on horseback, she’d have the advantage over those on the ground but she’d have to choose between a weapon and directing the horse. _Bull is right. I’m not able to fight as before. I must improvise._ Her plan readied she urged her mount faster towards the fray.

Steeling her resolve,  Valerie neared the garden. Amidst the clashing soldiers, her eyes found Leliana fighting off two soldiers with her daggers. “If Leliana fights. . .then so does. . .” Her voice failed her when he passed into her field of vision. He fought without armor, shield raised as blow after blow blocked with ease. The loss of his remembered robustness disturbed her only fueling the notion he had returned to the use of lyrium. The sleeplessness, lack of appetite and his desire to push himself fueled her earlier fury and sent her straight into the fray.

Valerie swung her left leg around in the saddle. “Cullen!” She cried out his name as she launched herself on two of his attackers.

“V-V-Valerie?!” Unsure the vision before him to be real, Cullen stalled before he too moved towards her.

Calls to hold and for caution flew from various corners of the gardens.  His earlier confusion dissolved as he processed the scene in front of him. Valerie held one soldier down pressing her knee into his throat. Her demands carried such authority, he hesitated for a moment and then found his voice.

“Valerie, what  are you doing?”

“Rescuing you!” Valerie huffed through her words, the fall more brutal on her body than she expected. She held her blade flush against the man’s neck. “Who sent you! Where is your commander!”

The man stared beyond her, eyes pleading for aid.

Cullen reached towards her shoulder. “Valerie, I’m right behind you.”


	39. 2 Solace - Valerie and Cullen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie searches for answers before she speaks with the Most Holy.

 

2 Solace - Valerie & Cullen

“Where is it?!” Valerie muttered and cursed throwing out one garment after the other from his trunk. Reaching the bottom, she tried to tip the trunk over.

 Cullen hid his amusement. A year of tepid reactions and severe blow-ups behind him, Valerie’s fire touched him. She’d not even greeted him opting instead to demand he follow her inside to his quarters. Cullen expected an awkward situation, but he did not imagine it so. She’d already removed his belongings from the armoire and trunk without disclosing her goal. There was comfort in her directness and her determination. “Perhaps a clue to what you seek?” He kept his tone light, without mocking her endeavor.

Despite her awkward squatting position, Valerie swiveled on her foot and stood to face him. Cullen bit his lip from the smile threatening to ignite further ire from her. _Her balance has improved, control too_ , he mused. _If it be the anger or her training, her accomplishments are incredible._

“Don’t you dare smirk at me.” She huffed and resumed her search. “I’m not kidding around, Cullen. Where is it?”

Crossing the floor to join her at his desk, he placed gentle hands on her shoulders. “Val-“

A violent shrug pulled her away from him. “No. Your usual tactics will not work.”

Closing his eyes, Cullen shook his head. “My . . . my what? What usual tactics?” He didn’t understand her anger and stepped back, concerned.

She faced him, eyes blazing. “That. Right there. Sad, droopy eyes, the head tilt and then that slight hint of a smile. I’m not falling for it!”

“All right,” he said calm lacing his voice, “you’re not falling for it. Tell me what you’re looking for with such earnest and I’ll give you whatever _it_ is.” 

The door to Cullen’s room opened and Cassandra waited to enter. Val did not glance up from her task; she continued to rummage through Cullen’s belongings and called out to the intruder, “whoever you are, I suggest you turn around and march back to wherever you came from, unless you’d like to wear my boot up your ass. Thank you!”

Cullen shrugged and attempted a sympathetic smile to Cassandra. Neither spoke, but a few silent gestures alerted Cullen to the Divine’s eagerness to talk with Valerie. Cassandra said nothing and departed.

The door closed again and Valerie faced Cullen. “I give up. It’s only been a month, right? That’s not too long for you to stop taking lyrium draughts without enduring the severe withdrawal symptoms. Please Cullen, stop now.”  She pressed her lips together to attempt a smile, but the quiver to her lips revealed another truth.

 _She’s trying not to cry._ “Val, it’s in the bottom drawer on the left and I haven’t . . .not since our pact in Skyhold. I’ve never lied to you. The box is there and the contents untouched.“

_She sat on the ladder to the loft watching him finish his reports, every so often the hint of a smile crossed his face. “Something amusing?” She asked leaning back stretching out while holding onto the sides._

_“Val, must you do that every time you come here?” He chuckled, “some days it’s like watching a child play.”_

_“Yes, forgive me Commander. Fun is not allowed. The Inquisitor must be serious at all times.” She grinned peering around the ladder. “You missed our usual time, Cullen. I waited for you - almost three hours down at the Rest.”_

_Cullen looked up at his aide and then at Valerie, “Three hours late? That’s not possible, is it?” He swiveled his head from one to the other and both nodded in agreement. Dropping his folio on the desk, he dismissed the aide and thanked her. “Forgive me. . .you could have said something earlier.”_

_“No, you love this. What’s one missed evening? Besides, I had planned to ambush you about a certain unpleasant topic. It’s been a month.”_

_His face darkened. “Lyrium.”  Cullen did not meet her eyes. “I’m well enough. Headaches, a few bad dreams, nothing I can’t handle, Val.”_

_She climbed out of her spot between the ladder rungs and joined him. “Hey. This is me remember? I don’t want an assessment. Are you all right?”_

_A soft smile and a bob of his head preceded a gentle response, ”yes, I am all right, Val. Please don’t worry, I’m not about to fail you.”_

_Leaning against his side, she looped her arm through his. “You haven’t. We promised to help one another. I will not run away and you will continue to try.”_

_“Val. It’s harder than I imagined,” his breath caught, “the nightmares - sometimes I wonder if I am losing myself.”_

Tentative steps brought Valerie back to his desk; a journal rested on the workspace. He watched as she sat in the chair and patted the top of the journal. “I took more from you than the lyrium ever did.” Valerie shifted in the chair meeting his eyes, “I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve the intrusion. I was wrong to question you.”

Cullen’s cautious steps brought him nearer. “A few pointed questions would have saved me the need to have everything laundered.”

She heard the teasing in his voice, the familiar gentle tone and checked the room to see the damage done to his clothes, strewn around the floor along with whatever stood in the way of her search.  Shaking her head, Valerie stooped to pick up the mess left in her anger.

“Val, stop. Please? I haven’t seen you over a month. So far, you’ve attacked two of my men – in spectacular form, I must say. Next you almost dragged me by the ear here to search my room and my favorite thing thus far - you told the Divine to bugger off lest you plant your boot up-“

“Oh no, that was Cass?” Valerie hung her head. “Why didn’t you stop me? Maker’s blood.“ She hurried picking up his clothes and placing them in a small pile, “I need to apologize, tell her no thank you and then I’ll be back to fix this before I leave.” She called over her shoulder something unintelligible racing out in the hall and disappearing around a corner before he could speak.

“Then she _is_ leaving,” he mumbled, throwing his clothes into the trunk and slamming the lid. Cullen stalked off in the same direction determined to have his say.

______________

“I’m not talking with you until you take that thing off your head,” Valerie leaned against the wall in Cassandra’s reading room. “I’ve known you for far too long. If you really want me to listen to what you have to say, Cass, then _you_ have talk to me. But as to this appointment you wish to give, my answer is still no.”

Cassandra’s gentle hand placed the miter onto her desk. “Valerie, don’t be ridiculous. Consider what this could mean for you. You’ve _earned_ this.”

Cullen reached for the door and hearing Valerie inside he hesitated deciding to let her speak.

“No my friend, I’ve earned nothing.  It took Bull to show me and the truth is he’s right - I’m not ready. I’m guessing you received regular updates on my progress.”

“No. I . . .expected to, but it seems someone decided against sending them to me.” Cassandra sighed, “Valerie, I wanted only to see you succeed and be the person you once were.” Crossing the room, she held out her hand to Valerie. “My friend, I would see you be happy again.”  

 “Sending Bull helped, but not how you wanted, Cass.” Valerie recounted her triumphs and failures as Cullen entered the room, forgetting propriety and listening. 

She shared some of her trials with him in her letter and during their one conversation, but hearing them again with such passion drew him closer.  “Forgive the intrusion, but I must know how you learned to climb into the saddle.”

Cassandra scoffed, “It seems the both of you need to be reminded on proper etiquette. A knock is required and then you _wait_ for an answer. This _barging_ in as though every room is your own is inappropriate.”

His eagerness to learn more of Valerie’s success drew his attention back to her ignoring Cassandra’s admonishment. “I didn’t, Cullen. I cheated - a kitchen chair, a stool or a boost. I can’t do it otherwise, so I cheated. I’m sorry to disappoint you.” 

Standing to underline her point Cassandra gestured towards the door. “There will be time later Cullen. Please allow me to finish talking with Valerie, alone.”

Cullen dropped into the chair next to her. “Val, I’m not disappointed at all. It’s what I would expect from you. To use a chair is not only clever but a clear illustration of the tenacity I know you possess. Far easier than inventing a whole new method.” He stood and kissed her forehead. “I’ll leave you now.”  He smiled and nodded once, a familiar gesture she’d seen countless times, a silent goodbye.  “Most Holy, I apologize for the intrusion and ask for leave to depart.”

Another scoff and Cassandra pointed towards the door. “Go. Just. . .go.”  


	40. 4 Solace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One day remains before Valerie returns to Ostwick and she continues to hide away from Cullen. Bull devises a plan to push the two in the right direction.

 

4 Solace

Every morning Bull tried to convince Valerie to talk with Cullen and for two days, she did the opposite. She inserted herself in meetings, private discussions with Cassandra and Leliana, and training sessions with Bull all in a concerted effort to avoid Cullen from daybreak to nightfall. 

“So, Boss . . . you going to talk to him at all or just keep on hiding from Cullen?” Bull’s promise fulfilled, he hoped to leave on the same ship as Valerie the following day. One problem remained - Valerie and Cullen. Bull tried to steer Valerie towards Cullen, but each time he’d get her close she’d slip away and find another reason to run away.

Cullen tried to talk with her as well,  but found her door locked at night and empty before dawn. She avoided meals with anyone and Cullen caught glimpses of her walking with Bull during the day, but any attempt to approach her and Valerie disappeared. Bull assured Cullen he would do whatever it took to arrange a meeting.

The two watched Cullen working with the divine’s soldiers from the second floor; the balcony provided a wide view of the garden and a little privacy. “Val, go talk with him,” he urged her again.

 “He’s busy,” she offered, “I don’t want to disturb his work.”

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” he muttered. Valerie’s reluctance to talk with Cullen bothered Bull; finding Cullen was the only thing Valerie focused on for so long but now when she had the chance to reach out, remaining silent made no sense. Bull had a plan, a crazy idea if it worked; but the consequences might mean the end of a friendship. _Fuck this. I’ll do it._ Inhaling long and deep, he barked at Valerie to follow him for training time. _I’ll have to time this right – otherwise, I’m fucked._ He stretched his neck left and right and rolled his shoulders to settle himself.

When the two reached the courtyard, Valerie greeted one soldier waiting for his turn in the sparring ring.

Bull pulled on the shoulder of the soldier sending him stumbling forward. “Get lost!” He yelled, turning a few heads in his direction. He didn’t get a good look at the man and cursed. _I’ll have to apologize to every one of them if this continues._ He grabbed two practice staves and threw one at her using his full strength.

Recognizing the strength behind the throw, she pivoted as it sailed towards her. “Take it easy, Bull!” She took several tentative steps towards him, uncertain of the change in his mood. “Are you all right?” Valerie looked around to see a fair amount of Cullen’s men staring. She bit her lip trying to find the right words to get Bull out of the line of sight of so many. “Maybe we should skip this for now . . . and try again later?” 

 _Here we go_ , he prepared himself and advanced - his weapon pointed toward her. “Not a chance! Come on!” He stood so close to her as he yelled, her ears rang. Valerie backed away from him, inciting a growl, “you’re not running away this time. Stand and face me!”

Across the gardens, several soldiers calling out cut Cullen’s session short. All three chattered at once about the altercation near the sparring ring. “It’s your wife, Ser. The Iron Bull, Ser. Something’s wrong!” Cullen dropped the practice shield and ran towards the ring. He couldn’t be sure if what he saw was real. Bull shouted and seethed, Cullen still halfway across the gardens tried to make sense of the scene. Bull bore down on Valerie, using full roundhouse swings of the staff at her head and torso so close Cullen gasped several times. “Bull! Stand down, Stand down!” He yelled for others not to engage him.

He’d seen this kind of ferocity before in Kirkwall. The qunari were ruthless – killing all in their path to victory. He didn’t want to believe Bull betrayed their trust, but the intensity of his swings and the anger erupting from his shouts led Cullen to the only possible conclusion. “He means to kill Valerie and then the Divine.”

Cullen raced towards a weapon rack and grabbed the only available - a large pike. “It’ll  do,” he said and bolted towards Valerie.

“Valerie! Fall back, fall back!” He cried out as he positioned himself between Bull and Valerie. “I’m sorry, Bull, but I can’t let you harm her.”

Bull sneered, circling around Cullen. “I’ve been waiting a long time to get a crack at _you_ , Cullen.” Without warning both advanced, Bull disarmed Cullen, taking advantage of the pike’s imbalance. Cullen dodged several of Bull’s attempts to connect the staff with his head and body before one man kicked a sword towards Cullen.

“Ser! Behind you!” Another soldier tossed his shield to Cullen in time to block another blow. The force of the impact so fierce Cullen fell to his knee.

Valerie had to find an opening. A year or two ago, Cullen could have been a match for Bull. She didn’t understand what motivated Bull to turn against them, but stopping him before Cullen or anyone else could be injured set her mind in motion. She moved behind Cullen relaying her plan. “I’ll charge him, knock him off balance and then you have to finish it. . .I don’t think I can.” Cullen tried to argue, but Valerie saw an opening as Bull tried to hold soldiers back with the staff and his attention moved from them.

She pushed off and picked up speed running towards Bull; his focus in front of him, he did not see Valerie sprinting towards him until Cullen’s shouts for her to stop pulled Bull’s attention to his right.

She adjusted her body with slight twist to her right, placing her left shoulder down seconds before tackling Bull and sending them both to the ground. She heard Bull grunt. “Shit, that hurt. I give up, get off me.”

Cullen took in everything around him. Bull, trying to catch his breath, his hands resting on his chest. His posture not indicative of a prisoner. He watched as Bull lifted his head and jerked it towards Valerie. Cullen’s eyes widened in understanding. _Bull planned this, all of it_.  Cullen shook his head at Bull before turning his attention away. Winded but unharmed, Valerie stood with Cullen’s help only to be crushed in his arms “You’re mad! You could have broken your shoulder. . .or neck . . .Maker’s blood, Valerie. I thought. . . it doesn’t matter. You are far too reckless.”

. “I thought you liked my tenacity,” she offered, “you realize that everyone is staring at us.”

Cullen sighed, “I don’t care. But give me a moment; then we have much to discuss, Val.” He shuffled Valerie behind him and addressed Bull. “You are perhaps even more reckless. I would have killed you, Bull.”

Leaning on his elbows Bull shook his head, “Yea, right. Not a chance. Cullen, I told you I’d do whatever it took.” He dipped his head down a little more and looked up at Valerie. “Sorry about all that Boss, had to find a way to get you two talking.” Bull laughed and winced grabbing his side as he tried to sit up. “Now . . . can we please get the fuck out of here?” 

 

 


	41. 27 August (Matrinalis)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen sends a letter to Alistair while Valerie waits for him in Ostwick.

_27 August (Matrinalis)_

_Leaving her was harder than I imagined. We talked at length on the return to Ostwick. I will admit to you five days at sea have never passed in an instant and I found myself wishing for more time._

_Having neglected my family for far too long, I had no choice but to continue; I requested she consider traveling with me but Valerie confirmed my thoughts. She was not ready to face the ever helpful Rutherford siblings so far away from the comfort and sameness of our home._

_Two months have passed since I said goodbye. Knowing I would return seemed to soften the fear I saw in her eyes, and the ever watchful gaze of her mother warned that she too expected my return as planned.  We had so little time together; in truth had I not promised this visit, I would be home with her. I am scheduled to return in a few days. In spite of the long absence from my family, my mind was elsewhere throughout my visit. It is time to return home. Our home._

_There is much to learn as we start again; both of us needing to temper and examine - we are still ourselves but the approach we once called familiar must change._

_Even in the short time we spent together, I am aware of the reluctance or perhaps the uncertainty lingering between us. Finding a way to ignore this constant need to follow her as a parent follows  a small child to protect her from imaginary dangers will prove difficult. I must allow her to fail, she learns faster from her failures. It is my concern or rather my need to show concern she finds wearisome._

_Her letters arrive every few weeks and while some are nothing more than a few words, the connection to her is stronger than before._

 “What’s wrong, Al?” Elissa heard a long sigh from Alistair’s workbench. He’d been reading another letter from Cullen and his reaction concerned her.

“Maker’s Breath, he still hasn’t learned to relax.” Grinning, he held up the pages, “I can report it seems our friends are doing well.” Elissa followed their daughter out into the work area. Aislinn tugged on Alistair’s trousers to get a better view. He handed the letter to his wife before scooping up his daughter to her usual squeals. “Cullen is _still_ a romantic.” An exaggerated eyebrow waggle garnered laughter from both wife and daughter.

Elissa glanced through the pages, a smile growing as she concentrated on the words.  “He’s in love, Al. Remember love, silly little emotion, makes for interesting company?”

“Yes . . . now that you mention it, I may have a _vague_ recollection,” Alistair said.

She grinned. “A vague recollection? You’re a terrible liar, Al.” Elissa planted a quick kiss on his cheek before leaving him at the workbench. 

_______________

29 Kingsway

Cullen’s absence intensified for Valerie as his scheduled return date passed without word or news of his arrival or travel plans. Deliveries from Kirkwall, Wycombe and Antiva all told of severe storms stretching from the Waking Sea to the coast of Ferelden from Highever to Denerim impacting travel, trade and what troubled Valerie most – Cullen’s letters. 

Alistair’s letter from Cullen on the 27th of the previous month appeared to be the last communication received. Messages from Orlais pledged to send out scouts to locate Cullen, but with each passing day Valerie’s hope lessened.

Ajax, Cullen’s mabari, remained Valerie’s constant companion in Cullen’s absence, much to her mother’s dismay. The two often lounged on an oversized couch in her mother’s receiving room until discovered. Staring out into the manicured gardens of her family home evoked images of the past.

_“Cullen, are you sure you want to do this? I’m not what most would consider a proper wife.” Her insecurities resurfaced in spite of Cullen’s reassurances._

_He guided her into an alcove. “We can wait. I will wait.” Cullen rested his forehead against hers. “You’re stuck with me.” Shifting to allow his eyes to find hers he grinned. “Not the worst possible future, is it?”_

_“No, not the worst,” she grinned. “I can’t cook and cleaning. . .forget it.”_

_Rubbing her shoulders, he tried to reassure her, “I don’t care, Val. I don’t want a cook or a maid.”_

_The sad downturn of his face revealed her worry concerned him. “I’m sorry. I’m nervous. Let’s skip this whole thing and find a dragon – you and me?” She tried to make light of her nerves._

_Cullen’s hands slipped down her arms, and he took her hands in his. “Val, talk with me. What is it?”_

_“What if . . .” she hesitated. Valerie couldn’t give a voice to her concerns. She could lead them, carry them through the Exalted Council, but wife? Valerie didn’t want to disappoint him._

Ajax whined sensing the shift in her mood.  She took the mabari everywhere with her, he attuned to her moods with ease and seemed to keep her grounded whenever she faced difficulties. “It’s ok, AJ. I’m all right. I miss him.”  

Valerie’s mother entered the receiving room, a mild displeasure crossed her face at the sight of the mabari resting inside. Lady Melisande’s unobtrusive cough, meant to grab Valerie’s attention increased in frequency.

Ignoring her mother, Valerie scratched behind AJ’s ear before addressing her mother. “I’m leaving, Mother. Cullen is three weeks overdue. I want to believe his promise, but waiting for news day after day – I can’t. There are two possibilities and I choose not to face either one. I’m taking Orvyn and AJ home.” 

Melisende Trevelyan attempted to console her daughter. “I witnessed the heartache in his eyes when he left, my dear. He will return.”

Valerie could not help the thoughts brewing inside her. She fought to keep them away, yet Cullen’s silence and unexpected disappearance led her to two paths, both too painful to accept. Cullen never missed a deadline, never broke a promise. He wrote at every possibility and here his deadline passed, he hadn't returned as promised and not a single note appeared for her. The answer was simple; either Cullen decided not to return, or no longer lived.


	42. 11 Harvestmere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A storm brings the end of Val and Cullen's story.

  11 Harvestmere

Valerie secured the barn with the help of the farm hands she’d hired; a  darkening sky proof of another night of storms. With their help, the farm and house would weather the storms to come.  As the men finished their tasks, she’d offered the spare rooms to the men, but all wished to return to their families in town.

Three weeks missing stretched to a month and now at six weeks, she could no longer pretend. Occupying her time packing Cullen’s clothes, Valerie decided to keep a few things for herself, reminders and mementos. She'd reached out for help from her friends. Cassandra and Leliana promised to find Cullen and return him. Bull and the Chargers scoured Ferelden’s lands while Varric pulled in every favor from Tevinter to Antiva to enlist the help of every ship in Thedas.

A bright flash of lightning illuminated the dark room followed by a horrible crash of thunder. She hated thunderstorms.  The turmoil on the Waking Sea pushed the brief and intense squalls on shore. AJ whimpered with each resounding crack of thunder.

“I know you don’t like the storms either. It’ll pass.” She patted his side before heading towards the stairs. “The sooner I can finish this,” she sighed and her shoulders sagged, “nothing will change. He’s still gone.” AJ’s bark interrupted her.  “I know, AJ. Come on, let’s go.”

The mabari growled before barking louder. Val had gotten used to his different sounds, when he wanted to play or when someone approached and this was neither. The growl extended into a high-pitched bark, and Valerie assumed she heard a tinge of alarm. Unlatching the door, she struggled against the winds to pull it open.

The rain fell in thick grey curtains, pushed by the driving winds. AJ sniffed the air and whined. She yelled out into the storm despite the knowledge her voice did not carry beyond the house. AJ followed her and barked several times before he whined again and looked up at her. “I don’t know what’s out there, AJ.” She  wrestled again to close the door and climb the stairs.

Valerie had proven she could carry on alone. The occasion would arise when she had to ask for help, but her determination to prepare everything for Cullen’s arrival pushed her to try harder. Climbing the steps to their room, she wiped away the first tear of the night. “Not again,” she said lamenting the weakness she perceived in tears.  

Falling into bed she pulled a pillow into her arms and wept until sleep took control.

_The eluvian before her shimmered to life._

_Solas’ downcast eyes and frown followed her as she paced. “Solas, don’t punish every living being here, please. There has to be a way.”_

_The frown he wore changed in subtle movements to a smile, “You continue to surprise me my friend. Were it that simple, I would spare you any pain.”  At a wave of Solas’ hand Cullen’s reflection appeared in the eluvian._

_“Cullen!” Valerie took tentative steps forward. The muffled sounds of his shouts to her and the dull pounding of his fist against the mirror pulled her attention between them. “What are you doing Solas?”_

_The elf stepped closer, “I propose an exchange, one life and I’ll consider your request.”_

_She reared back, stumbling over her feet. “No, this isn’t you. You wouldn’t! This isn’t real!”_

_“I have not agreed to do anything. I am . . .curious. Will you sacrifice him for all the lives you worked so hard to save?”_

_One life for many, Valerie understood the simple exchange. She hoped this was a dream, but even then she would not let Cullen go. “Not him,” she replied. She paced again the tension in her head and neck growing with each step. “Not him,“ she repeated._

_“Then you prove my point, there is far too much selfishness in this existence-“_

_“I wasn’t finished!” She yelled at him advancing on his position, “you can take your pompous words and-" She stopped her rant and apologized. "I’m sorry.” Valerie recovered and resumed a more polite tone. “Solas, I wasn’t finished. You can’t have him, but you can have me. Let him go and of my free will, I surrender to you. My life for his and Thedas.”_

_Cullen’s eyes widened at her words and his pounding and shouts intensified. Shaking his head, Cullen threw his body against the mirror.    Solas nodded as he approached, his eyes flashed brighter and brighter amidst Cullen’s screams for her._

Valerie woke to AJ’s frantic barking and the raging storm. She homed in on sounds around her as the awareness of a fleeting memory dissolved; the sounds of a voice calling out and pounding against a hard surface.

 “My dream, nothing more,” she said aloud listening to the mabari.

The instincts of a warrior never cease; even long after the years of battle are done. Valerie felt tiny hairs on her neck stand  on end and a shiver moved through her. _This is wrong_.  She dressed without a sound her eyes glancing at AJ; his rigid posture leaning towards the stairwell, confirmed her suspicions. AJ sensed danger. The simple fact he remained with her rather than confront what lay in wait for them down the stairs proved the hound sought to protect her.

She’d had the presence of mind to move the weapons kept near the side room up to the second floor. The storage area seemed more secure. A small dagger slipped into her waistband would have to suffice.

Careful steps carried her onto the stairs, AJ close at her heels. She _could_ fight. Months of training with Bull prepared her to do so, but first she had to assess the danger.

The constant rapping of wood against stone suggested the front door lay wide open. _I bolted it. I’m almost sure I bolted it, s_ he thought. Valerie descended another two steps, AJ rubbing his head against her leg. She could not discern if it was out of concern or to offer support.

A muddied sack lack open on the floor near the door contents spilling out in a haphazard mess. Another two steps and AJ growled. She’d never heard nor seen him ready to attack, but the sound -guttural, raw and meant to intimidate rubbed against her own nerves.

A cough broke through the storm sounds. _Inside the house! They are inside!_ Her mind screamed, and she steadied herself. _You can do this, Val_.

Another cough revealed a man; soaked and muddied from the storm struggling to breathe and doubled over in a chair.

A male voice, hoarse and soft spoke as she stepped out into the kitchen dagger poised ready to strike. “You’re alone.”  It wasn’t a question.

Valerie gripped the hilt of the dagger tighter in her hand. “I warn you, one move, one step out of line and I will take your life.”

The intruder chuckled and then coughed again, “is that right? I’m not armed.”

He was thin, muscular, his long hair dripped from mud and rainwater collecting in a pool around his feet. By his cough, he’d been exposed to the storms for some time, she guessed he might be weaker than he appeared.  Valerie’s anger flared and without forethought she advanced. “You forced entry into my home.” She gestured towards his sack, “no doubt you thought to steal.”

A forced laugh broke forth from him cut short by a fit of coughing. When the intruder recovered, he lifted his head towards hers, “no doubt.”

“Get out.” She let no hesitation enter her command to the intruder. AJ stood steps from her; a low growl meant as a reminder of the mabari’s vigilance.

“Your champion.” The man shook his head as an intense cough gripped his frame. The hollow wet cough, the deepness of the sound indicated a serious illness would befall him if he continued his exposure to the rain and wind. She acted as his focus shifted.

Grabbing his arm she attempted to wrench it behind his back and move him to his feet. They wrestled for control, Valerie’s leverage giving her the advantage, she kicked forward and his right knee buckled sending the intruder to the floor. His coughing intensified and the pressure she applied on his back caused him to wheeze. “I can’t breathe,” he tried to catch his breath forcing words out, “please. . . Val.”

“Cullen?” Releasing him, she hurried to lift his head moving his matted hair away from his face. “Maker’s breath!”

“Sorry I’m late.” Cullen managed a weak smile before his eyes rolled back and he fell to the floor.

_________________

12 Harvestmere

Sunlight streamed through the window the night’s storms forgotten. The pain behind Cullen’s eyes and the swelling in his throat had lessened, but an attempt to inhale deeply met with a wracking cough. A head popped up at the foot of the bed and Ajax stared back. Cullen’s weak smile and slow patting motion next to him on the bed called the hound to his side.

AJ whined again resting his head on Cullen’s arm.  Slow measured exhales seemed to stop his need to cough. Trying to right himself, Cullen pushed up on the mattress to find his strength depleted.

Heavy footfalls on the stairs grew louder. A man unfamiliar to him carried a tray, “you’re awake. My lady will be pleased. I’ll let her know.” He dropped his head towards the tray in his hands. “Water, tea and a broth.”

“Who?” Cullen did not understand. Valerie had another in his home? He furrowed his brow and looked again at the man before him.

“Lady Valerie is talking with the healer and asked I bring this to you. A few of us grew concerned, Ser. The storm damage was severe throughout the area and when the storm broke, we arrived to find her trying to pull you through the kitchen.” He recounted how they’d arrived and taken over for Valerie and brought the healer before sunrise. Cullen would need bed rest until his illness passed.

Cullen understood -  the man was a villager or a farm hand, sent to help Val. The man laughed as he put the tray down. “The lady is arguing with the healer over her lack of sleep.”

 “Sounds like my lady,” Cullen replied.

The man agreed, “yes, Ser, " he paused for a moment, “Ser, I was one of your men. In the Inquisition, Ser. I thank the Maker you’ve returned.”  He nodded and left before Cullen could speak again.

Doors opened and closed  and not long after, another set of footfalls caught Cullen’s attention; this time Ajax rose to his feet. “I see how it is, now. AJ. Go find her.” The mabari whined before leaving the room. Excited barks and Valerie’s voice soothed Cullen’s worry.

“When you’re well, we need to have a little chat about last night, but now I need to sleep – just a few hours. Is there anything else you need?”

Cullen shook his head and held out his hand to her. Climbing into the bed next to him, she placed a gentle lingering kiss on his forehead, “I love you,” she murmured before threading her fingers through his.

“And I you.” Hearing her deep and even breathing, relief coursed through Cullen. He’d returned home.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, Val and Cullen's story started in Nothing Like the Sun. They've carried some crazy ideas for me and in this piece some of the most intense and difficult parts of very real existence. 
> 
> Thank you for your encouragement, support, questions, complaints and thank you for sticking with Val and Cullen.


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